Social DistanceS

This is the era of the CoronaVirus CoVid19. 

The beautiful IB Pier is empty because its closed so that there won't be any congregating which is how the virus is transmitted the quickest.  My "life" is still complicated by Sleep Apnea and my ERSF. I somehow experienced a spontaneous self healing regarding my heart.  It's now back to a normal function after failing for over 20 years???  I've fostered supportive energetic healing from friends besides my own more concentrated conscious healing energy on my life.  

It will be hard repopulating that SOCIAL DISTANCE.

~ I Feel Them Calling

I Feel Them Calling

To Shamanic Priestesses
with modern femininity and fun
strange spellings of their names
and a great emergence that I feel

Their calling

Here is there answer
in reply to the heart calling
That you are.
But have not found me.
Even when I've drawn so close
I need to be found now.

Like the 1st time.

Can you run me down
make your medicine great
Shaman woman

in the healing scent of your flower
I breathe in.

12/21/2016, rjd

Love Flipped a Flop

Once again a woman draws me out and flirts enough to earn some trust and then becomes overwhelmed by my wildness and gets weirder and weirder before simply dropping out.

I feel like such an idiot. More like a sinking ship's captain discovering it was another female jumping ship after making a few choice holes beyond repair. And, while this time I feel I was spared to some degree, the girl represented something important regarding what my entire life has been about, a research for, ongoingly and spiritually. She had traveled there where I wanted to go, and I felt I knew her so well.

Helping her write her story was such a key step as well. And then, we got off on her 'gate to heaven,' a guy named Dwarka with whom she says Christ consciousness became present in a moment of orgasmic bliss. Fantastic eh? How beautiful is she I thought to myself and still do? But her issues with Dwarka really seem to implode on her somehow although she is not talking. I have traced the breakdown and today's final notice to his arrival in our conversation. It was hard NOT to miss. After that point her attitude was more and more resistant and argumentative, increasing intensity and its insanity almost daily.

And in the recent days it got so severe that anything I said became too much for her to bare. As a result of not being able to influence me intellectually or emotionally, she appears to have simply withdrawn from her commitments with me. At any rate, she's got that right, and I honored it with as much simplicity as she offered it. She never reached very far after all, in her efforts to touch my heart. This probably more than anything I regret not having been more successful with, especially with her. And now, with her withdrawl, staring me in the face here via email it feels like the longest minor earthquake, shaking my body from the soles of my feet up. Nothing moving but my nauseated sense of it all.

What do you say to a mature woman who simply flipped on you making you some kind of persona non gratus? It's such a shame not to have been able  to really trust her and not be simply abandoned like this. For awhile though it was tremendous fun.

This pretty much ends it for me. I expect she'll never contact me again. And have no idea what I would say if she did. Right now I have time to kill, the Suns at 7pm vs San Antonio, reading over the weekend. Letting go is easily one of the hardest things for us to do.

White Flag, by Dido, is playing and made a perfectly timed entrance for a new expression of synchronicity, at least in their support emotionally. This last incident of having a woman informally boot me or dump me to the curb over my entangling her with my words ... I mean how interesting is that? My sense was that the difficulty between her and I was always about what my words meant and perhaps her never honestly synching up to them and the meaning I was bringing forth.

There is and was no mistaking how my words were philosophical and contempative. My intellectualizations have never been accepted entirely by anybody. It had been ~15 years since my last romantic engagement with Paula, and I think I need to 'dig deeper' to create the credibility needed to write this complicated jaunt of mine. I was really leaning heavingly on this writing project of hers today, looking forward to coming home and cracking it open, but instead found her drop kick of my being to the curb, the other choice made and the feeling is quintessentially fucked.

When people make this move where they pick up their marbles and leave... Can anything be worse? Even with Paula, who was literally trying to kill me at certain times when she 'broke,' putting her on a bus back to Kansas signified and end to any more heroic efforts to fix her or us. I know that that a level of heroism crept into the way I related to her and it wouldn't surpise me if at some point she didn't herself coming to the same realization this and simply resisting it because that is the femininist appropriate response of independence and disinterest in men's will to provide and protect, UNLESS OF COURSE it follows her plan or idea of what she needs and wants.

We battled at that level for a awhile i guess, and this failure is met with some degree of relief. This blog on it is just my way of decompressing I guess and looking more deeply at the elements of mine, at least, which were culpable so I can continue to get through this mine field that has grown up between myself and the coast and a darling goddess I know.

Alrighty then, said the incredibly funny and off the charts funny man, and speaking between us he says, 'Will you ever get things right and make sacred spiritual love with a goddess like Renee?  I only refer to Renee because being my first lover, she was also by far a more beautiful and powerful Tantric lover than anyone I've ever met seemed to be perhaps.

And, the work on injaculating continues, though now I have no one close to me personally to ask anymore. This capacity of hers to turn me out the way she did, wow, I will have to say that it is precisely the worst quality and nothing but the ugliest kind of behavior given love's ultimate promise and our deepest need. Wow, I see the sadness now, just bridging the horizon of my interior here. Guess I'll step in and drink of this ... Namaste, rj

I couldn't help myself from thinking of her one last time tonight and her attraction to OSHO led me to scan some of his quotes, which I then found one matching her mention of its title and thought I brought the title with me. If I know where I could call myself to ask but regardless I wanted to share the small poem I found of Osho's while kickin it naturally...

Know what you are at present
 and then know its credibility or its lack of credibility.
It is what knows that
 that is, in you, most credible.
   - Barry Long, Tantric Master


~Love Flipped a Flop
I've been judged by her love, no longer smiling.
Could there be any thing worse in life than this?
Nothing I have ever done has thwarted the hissy.
Even rational transformation and all the benefits
do not make up the difference, at Point Heinous.
Can't really blame myself too much even now
Nothing comes close to the flipping she flopped,
and how it turned my entire world upsidedown.
Just like that, a 10.0 quake of heart and soul.
Shock trembles for hours. Calling all my 911s.

   - 5/6/2010, rjd

My Love Song

As night returns and she lays down to sleep
I am taken inside where her flame lights me.
Our meaning to one another is transcendent.
Beyond natural laws, ways, and means; love.
That any goddess would meet so immediate
through her etheric being, suffering the tragic,
her resilient strength bringing her next to me.
She is heartbreak in healing of true divinity.

And I give my heart, will, and mind for free,
in gratitude for the vision graced within her
bringing relaxation and joy beyond normal,
answers to questions asked as a child come,
in female form with a voice of honey, wild.
Her being is a symphony and one harmony.
And yet, only a child, newborn but angelic
holding the key to evolution, my love song.

I lift my hand up to the stars for your crown
where I stroke your mane I inhale your bliss
There is music everywhere, all praising this.
Spirit embodied in matter giving rise to life
evolving mind and then spirit as feminine.
So happy am I, to find spirit return like this.
After I left home as a child in search of one.
Conscious contact with Christ, I said come.

4/2010 rjduberg

~About Having Fun Before...

On the page there displayed is written the inked sage
his wisdom for us to recreate, shining the lovely spirit
for you to remember and consider in the long of night
I saw a glimpse of the day, before I lost my way, this life,
when my words came so hollow and empty, a nothing.

And I've been searching for decades for what happened
and seeing that power reappear like a friend and say hi...
I'm too busy stalking and hunting now to consider why!
My grip was so short lived, but now holds the memory.

Laughing, the surfer said his purpose was to have fun.
I remember that so well, but I was so lost, awake in hell.
Having forgotten the vibe, how high and tightly forward
never thinking on that nature and how badly blown.

The emptiness is perfect, endless, expanse of eternity.
One places real intent, thought, in there, to manifest.
But who cares about playing with moving stuff there?
When there's more fun in the divine play of sexy surf.

Just the way she loves and is so aware, comprehending
like the world I play in and the natural rhythm I share
what can be found at the bottom underneath everything
is a void of passing, a place of flowing, laughing wind.

2/21/2010, rjduberg

~The Jig of History

Oh Goddess have patience
see film, inglorious bastards
brad pitt slays nazis
witten killers

The Jig heads the highway
angelic on the beach
makes no mistake
is higher

Enjoy self in moderation
work the shadow
heal the path
forward

Don't forget posterity
USE a wicked wall
for the beyond
afterward

The Jig keeps the game afoot
from fades that recede
in ascending octaves
over time.

I know that I am worthless
call it the will to resist
affinity in conflict
or some such

Practical Magic?

1/2010 rjduberg

~Chewing On Air

The Bazooka comics of my childhood gone
finely dusted pieces of pink, growled on.
Little wrappings of waxed paper we opened
making eternity last for a very long moment.

Chewing through the sweet hardness there
once, made the rest, a cause for innocence
and growing old is still growing young, now
chewing on air, and dancing with Kuan Yin.

My journey into Yoga

I've been grinding online over meditation and Tantric info. I'm learning bit by bit, but the next step is to visit Ariel's puja (recurring gathering) and see if I'm accepted. One of the major things I read earlier today was how the Transmission of Tantric enlightenment is given by the woman and the man has basically no control over his initiation, it is up to a goddess to make the invitation.

I wonder if I have violated that code past redemption? It's very interesting looking back to recognize the resistance I felt when re-pitching my proposal and whatever was undoubtedly directly expressing a real conscious attitude on her part.

I'll have to ask.

The Romantic Prospect

For second there I thought, could this be possible? After the first few romances in life, the idea or possibility splits and evolves into what happened and the times that fooled you. Faced with the pain of having been fooled, developing sensitivity to one's own weaknesses or limitations in the matter becomes important, just like everything else in life.

My latest opportunity to grind on this is in full swing right now. From the very beginning, I was haunted by starry visions and what not, the usual thing. And, suddenly, there has been an enormous quiet just after I turned up the volume. I don't recall this being part of the dance before, and while a pause may represent a prior committment, without that it represents at least some degree of flakiness which doesn't represent the level of goddess which I can ally myself with.

To recap then, starry eyed adoration isn't necessarily a precursor to anything, and is certainly one of the biggest weaknesses I suffer in this life. The realization that I cannot just give it up ethically for the very thing that matters most to me: Love, hurts.

But there it is, my very own heart lies to me, and would lead me into the abyss of oblivion in the bat of an eye. To survive then means setting aside my deeper desires until certain conditions have been verified to exist. And, in this paradigm of romantic desire, discovering women with potential but unable to satisfy such an important role is atrocious, however I don't have to suffer with them anymore. This is my wish, and at least I can tell myself things are better because I know what I've avoided in the long run by suspending my desire.

Is there a higher road than this remains a question.

And now, here you are, a goddess ...

Goddess I Love

So much labor that amounts now to dust
All love and light played to your beauty, a crush
And yet you are even more perfect tonight
In little picture’s hush, I have always known this
And how overwhelmed I am by your essence.
With you in my embrace, I contemplate bliss.
That state of reaching the very thing missed.
Beautiful Goddess of Sacred Light, I love you.

July 2000