This means - today, kind of jumping into Thanksgiving plans for Billy and I; which I have to share, disintegrated over previous commitments I had with doctors. Will focus on KFC and my gratitude, especially; since, checking on a source of turkey, once again proved to be far too much trouble for the effort
Thank you all
Thank you self
Thank you world
Thank you cosmos
Thank you Lord and Source of All
*** Missing picture of the line out the door and around the corner
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
*
A Look from da Utterside:
An Inv for Recipient Status
Back to this uptick of mine. I have spent many hours the last two dqys writing for the first time in maybe 2 months with a few rare exceptions. Anyway ... it may simply wishful thinking on my part. As it is, I've lost confidence in this specific octave and have no immediate plans to do anything other than spend some quality time with a certain feminine octave instead. One of these days anyway ...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
My Ineffable Leanings Today
As a longtime student of Gurdjieff's work, at one time enthusiastically participating in what I persuaded myself was a real esoteric school of the fourth way with a conscious teacher in place, discovering my mistake was easily the greatest shock in my life since the original shock I received after awakening from my sleep a short while after finding Ouspensky's, The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution. That first shock was understanding the truth about how little truth and reality actually figured in my psychology, a humbling failure to simply stay conscious for a short walk from the bookstore to my dorm at UCSB was all it took. After rejecting outright my upbringing indoctrination into the Lutheran Faith not a moment after being confirmed, there was no easy way to relapse or lose the sense of gravity which that choice was based on. To renounce any of portion of the automatic inculturated programming which our youth absorbs and believes unconsciously and without critical discernment, nevermind such a massively moral code like religious faith requires a level of fearless ferocity in relationship to one's own mechanical need of comfort and approval that without at least some modicum of support from one's guardians or parents the possibility feels altogether imaginary. I happened to be graced by a Mother whose wish for me to be completely free to become my own man and make my own decisions, achieve my own successes and failures, was steadfast in her being my mother. This required some huge suffering of her own to achieve growing up, as she rebelled against the hugely indoctrinated and moral code of her parents by running away from home at as young teen before the age of adulthood with a muscian to live away from the oppression and feeling servitude which she experienced as a result of her brother being a prodigy despite being blind and taking away all the attention and support that she genuinely deserved but didn't feel coming and took this circumstantial situation as the gravest form of suffering any child receives short of actual harmful abuse. Children need to be cared for properly with vital aliveness of the best in us, at least, don't you think. Negligence of children is to cripple the best in them in both their happiness when young and throughout the rest of their life. She ran away from home with a young pianist studying with her brother because he gave her the attention she so badly needed. When his short sabbatical here ended off she went with him back to his home in Mexico City. Her recovery was I suppose at best something one might call civil in terms of relations, but looking back at my her parents and my experience of them growing up I can immediately recognize the undercurrent of negativity which to mom's credit was kept in check through a resurgent dedication as an obedient and grateful adult. With this perspective then one may be able to appreciate just how lenient and careful she was with me to always be there for me and yet do her best not to micro-manage or pass judgement as a parent since she knew first hand the kind of pain that way of being towards a child can create.
Interestingly enough without going into a long story about its arising, this commitment and stand on her part did not prevent her negative programming which her parents unconsciously dumped on her until she completely rebelled and ran away from homed from inciting me to do the very same thing during my senior year in High School. My sojourn was quite short however and not so far as to keep me from finishing school.
The important issue here was that to her credit there was enough conscious work at NOT being oppresive the way her parents were that I actually developed some level of understanding about my role and how it related to her actions in terms of what they made possible as a result. That with a protracted illness my father suffered, dying in my arms shortly before entering the confirmation process, and I was primed and prepped to act out radically in honor of these experiences. Experiencing my father's death so intimately sealed in me the gravity which my mother's wishes for me might not otherwise have made much of a difference. But after he died, not a day has ever passed that I have not contemplated death and life's fragile uncertainty.
So, when I participated in an exercise suggested by Ouspensky in his introduction to fourth way work designed to produce the first shock which has to do with GETTING one's inability to do or remain conscious, I knew that I had found precisely what religious faith, morality, and teaching lacked,. Authentic possibility and experience vs. a story. That first shock was internal in perspective and quite hard to share. Talking about it, and sharing it I've found does not induce in others the same experience that I had back in the beginning, due in my opinion to what I've shared here leading up to this point regarding specific conditions present in my childhood, shaping and influencing my process as it did. The next shock however, is an external one that I had when I realized the lack of integrity and proper care given by the conscious teacher I had adopted for several years. The disappointment was devastating, and my satisfaction in the work has never recovered yet to the point of finding a truly authentic conscious teacher to work with. Having been so taken in only to find my gullability irrevocably established upon the "teacher's" lack of conscious being reflected in his inappropriate and harmful exploitations of and abuses of his students for sexual and thus completely narcissitic and sociopathic gratifications, I have at least been ferocious in my assessments of everyone hence. There have been many teachers and yet none have succeeded in impressing me consciously at least as fourth way teachers of the caliber of Ouspensky or Gurdjieff. I don't deny that history is replete with such masters, but none of them remain beyond their aesthetic appeals and artifacts paying homage to their enlightened state and its capacity to produce higher impressions. It's only necessary to think of the Poetry of Rumi for example or the writings of Lao Tzu, or the Buddha to understand the nature of this higher energetic impression such master's works and remaining arftifacts communicate and create for those able to receive higher influence.
While I haven't actually run across a charismatic false prophet like the one that fooled me in the beginning, everyone since then while at times well versed and even charismatic in their self-expression and passion for the work only get as far as proclaiming and telling the story over, which I've developed a very sensitive "taste" for by its interpretive color and trapped design given by today's culture and way of doing things.
It's nothing short of such sorrow that I almost cannot bare to share, only that I am aware that such thought is unrelated to the reality of listening and response which others will actually have. In a culture of impassioned commitment to looking good, this change of heart and attitude is unexpected except for the fact that I continue to study the master's and fourth way ideas though without disipline or confidence that one would necessarily expect from having an authentic teacher to consult and learn from.
I'm still alive, despite many instances in which I could have easily expired and died, and as long as I'm still alive I will remain grateful if just for my magnetic center and its level of gravity which continues to bring me over and over back to a proper first shock with gratitude and evermore acceptance.
Interestingly enough without going into a long story about its arising, this commitment and stand on her part did not prevent her negative programming which her parents unconsciously dumped on her until she completely rebelled and ran away from homed from inciting me to do the very same thing during my senior year in High School. My sojourn was quite short however and not so far as to keep me from finishing school.
The important issue here was that to her credit there was enough conscious work at NOT being oppresive the way her parents were that I actually developed some level of understanding about my role and how it related to her actions in terms of what they made possible as a result. That with a protracted illness my father suffered, dying in my arms shortly before entering the confirmation process, and I was primed and prepped to act out radically in honor of these experiences. Experiencing my father's death so intimately sealed in me the gravity which my mother's wishes for me might not otherwise have made much of a difference. But after he died, not a day has ever passed that I have not contemplated death and life's fragile uncertainty.
So, when I participated in an exercise suggested by Ouspensky in his introduction to fourth way work designed to produce the first shock which has to do with GETTING one's inability to do or remain conscious, I knew that I had found precisely what religious faith, morality, and teaching lacked,. Authentic possibility and experience vs. a story. That first shock was internal in perspective and quite hard to share. Talking about it, and sharing it I've found does not induce in others the same experience that I had back in the beginning, due in my opinion to what I've shared here leading up to this point regarding specific conditions present in my childhood, shaping and influencing my process as it did. The next shock however, is an external one that I had when I realized the lack of integrity and proper care given by the conscious teacher I had adopted for several years. The disappointment was devastating, and my satisfaction in the work has never recovered yet to the point of finding a truly authentic conscious teacher to work with. Having been so taken in only to find my gullability irrevocably established upon the "teacher's" lack of conscious being reflected in his inappropriate and harmful exploitations of and abuses of his students for sexual and thus completely narcissitic and sociopathic gratifications, I have at least been ferocious in my assessments of everyone hence. There have been many teachers and yet none have succeeded in impressing me consciously at least as fourth way teachers of the caliber of Ouspensky or Gurdjieff. I don't deny that history is replete with such masters, but none of them remain beyond their aesthetic appeals and artifacts paying homage to their enlightened state and its capacity to produce higher impressions. It's only necessary to think of the Poetry of Rumi for example or the writings of Lao Tzu, or the Buddha to understand the nature of this higher energetic impression such master's works and remaining arftifacts communicate and create for those able to receive higher influence.
While I haven't actually run across a charismatic false prophet like the one that fooled me in the beginning, everyone since then while at times well versed and even charismatic in their self-expression and passion for the work only get as far as proclaiming and telling the story over, which I've developed a very sensitive "taste" for by its interpretive color and trapped design given by today's culture and way of doing things.
It's nothing short of such sorrow that I almost cannot bare to share, only that I am aware that such thought is unrelated to the reality of listening and response which others will actually have. In a culture of impassioned commitment to looking good, this change of heart and attitude is unexpected except for the fact that I continue to study the master's and fourth way ideas though without disipline or confidence that one would necessarily expect from having an authentic teacher to consult and learn from.
I'm still alive, despite many instances in which I could have easily expired and died, and as long as I'm still alive I will remain grateful if just for my magnetic center and its level of gravity which continues to bring me over and over back to a proper first shock with gratitude and evermore acceptance.
Monday, August 08, 2011
Next Best Thing
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Good Time to Rest...
My spiritual wish for liberation and my attendant activity of researching possibilities and associated texts and philosophies has expanded to an ongoing 24/7 level, as of late. I am in need of some basic pacing though within this new level, as my health has deteriorated and I have new aches and pains that showed up just today, I think, from too much sitting on my butt.
I am progressing and growing and yet never fast enough or high enough. I still suffer a lack of clarity or focus to my practice (intentionally) keeping several different disciplines actively in mind these days. At some point, this hyper cross referencing analysis would be really nice to let go of in favor of simple calm abiding, perhaps.
Of course, it would also be very nice if USA's congressional government would get their heads out of their butts too, before the nation is thrown into a wicked collapse on the global markets.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
On The Heels of Stephanie
It's been a very strange couple of last days, which has seen an ongoing olfactory halluncination of sorts which evokes a supernatural feminine feeling and given my current focus on the Tantra Deities, most of them female goddesses, and how to recreate them along with my research telling me essentially that this is the one part of Tantric Practice I had missed, in effect pulling my old tricks of clairvoyance as I was already in the process of doing this research when I discovered the central aspect of the practice being to PLAY the part, to channel the energy, being, deity, goddess, whatever.
Well, along with this smell of wicked feminine sex, has been my invitation for it to come in. And so, I'm not sure what is really going on. But for sure, Stephanie has simply stopped communicating now for over 2 months, afgter promising me that she would never do that. And I took her word, because I thought it meant something.
No wonder I'm getting lots of attention from above, because this kind of thing used to just ruin me, and it should of this time around as well, but somehow it hasn't, and my focus and energy have risen not decreased. And, I get these inhalations of such pungent fragrance like I've never ... and nobody else seems to notifce So I kindof have just been wading through it, but this blop post puts an end ot all of that.
So, back to the grind and feeling like I'm on a 70s Acid trip ...
Powered by ScribeFire.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Mystery of Choice
Remember the Oracle telling Neo about his choice. Recall her saying he wasn't there to choose but to understand what he had already chosen, why, and wherefor...?
Listening to various voices espouse their rebellious attitude and its alternative perspective as opposition appears to be long lived. When I took the EST training back in 1976, I was opened to this dysfunctional thinking lacking integrity. A few voices can be trusted though, like OSHO for instance, who is musing on the truth of enlightenment, by really suggesting a vision of mental negation which he sells us with his beautiful voice. Attitude is key to being, and enlightened attitudes resonate unity, from one to another, while unenlightened consciousness resonates separation, duality, dysfunction, and belief in absolutes. Their certainty is false - having no light, no illumination, but weight in static mental mass which anchors them to the past and illusion.
Choosing our choice is the movement of choice which is simultaneously a paradox of unchoosing. The still background listening to the idea has in it the sense of a "stand" or a "place." Consciousness is a harmonic energy relation between ALL and Self, with a self-reflective essence by which one can rely and perceive in oneself and others.
More important than anything else in understanding one's possibilities is a higher focus which is disiplined and trained by opening oneself to higher truth and power, divine grace. The path to this begins with understanding integral, non-dual thinking.
After gaining some stability at higher levels the reality and truth of the old saying about it being all turtles the rest of the way becomes an amusing wisdom and moment for levity.
Remember the Oracle telling Neo about his choice. Recall her saying he wasn't there to choose but to understand what he had already chosen, why, and wherefor...?
Listening to various voices espouse their rebellious attitude and its alternative perspective as opposition appears to be long lived. When I took the EST training back in 1976, I was opened to this dysfunctional thinking lacking integrity. A few voices can be trusted though, like OSHO for instance, who is musing on the truth of enlightenment, by really suggesting a vision of mental negation which he sells us with his beautiful voice. Attitude is key to being, and enlightened attitudes resonate unity, from one to another, while unenlightened consciousness resonates separation, duality, dysfunction, and belief in absolutes. Their certainty is false - having no light, no illumination, but weight in static mental mass which anchors them to the past and illusion.
Choosing our choice is the movement of choice which is simultaneously a paradox of unchoosing. The still background listening to the idea has in it the sense of a "stand" or a "place." Consciousness is a harmonic energy relation between ALL and Self, with a self-reflective essence by which one can rely and perceive in oneself and others.
More important than anything else in understanding one's possibilities is a higher focus which is disiplined and trained by opening oneself to higher truth and power, divine grace. The path to this begins with understanding integral, non-dual thinking.
After gaining some stability at higher levels the reality and truth of the old saying about it being all turtles the rest of the way becomes an amusing wisdom and moment for levity.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Spring Humming Along Now...
Thanks for reminding of something only spring seems interested in, bursting forth like a broken dam only in a diversity of life second to none.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
What a hand can do to you...
Holdem is a fascinating game of 3 passes, the flop, a second, and the river. The river is basically the last card you get. I had pocket KK tonight, and started raising in the ante. I guessed his pocket AA (I was right). On flop I got my set of Kings, and checked to his betting his Aces with no raise. On the river, an Ace played leaving me a losing hand, both of us having full houses.
The point of the story was how a winning hand turns horribly wrong and loses you a lot of money. I will spend the rest of the night wondering how I could have changed that outcome. Pocket As would have to be strongest MOJO you can have face down. I played them down in the beginning because I wanted him to feel he was still leading and bet his money for my call. Had I come out betting, he would have to consdier the set of Kings as my motivation. In fact, it was, and by not betting them I assured myself of another (in this case he bet $1) side bet on top of everything. If I had correctly contemplated that river A, especially given its Full Tilt Poker ... I should have been expecting the set up. In the past, when I've been smarter than tonight and did expect it, I can always recall doing better because I lost less.
I'm sure at least one of my neighbors heard me moan loudly at the loss.
What is more painful is how closely this comes to what i hate the most about the web. Nobody can deny it's "the" perfect setup for it. Denial is so attractive to accepting that one is hopeless to certain temptation. The Sin of Man is pure genius and has to be seen as the real reason that Christianity has survived as long as it has as well as been the foundation of the weakest and darkest ages man has gone through.
Now you have Madison Scott, porno star cum art gallery owner, doing anal scenes to support the lagging art business she began. And the bio is clearly a pro prostitution procreative protoy proliberal in its position on sex. That Madison comes across so sexy in her pornos is the heart of the matter though, and yet, I know that if there are porno queens out there living off their porno income, maybe Madison is simpliy being scapegoated?
On the topic of scapegoats, I can see myself adding again to that list. I have a few on there already, and one I simply want there because...
The point of the story was how a winning hand turns horribly wrong and loses you a lot of money. I will spend the rest of the night wondering how I could have changed that outcome. Pocket As would have to be strongest MOJO you can have face down. I played them down in the beginning because I wanted him to feel he was still leading and bet his money for my call. Had I come out betting, he would have to consdier the set of Kings as my motivation. In fact, it was, and by not betting them I assured myself of another (in this case he bet $1) side bet on top of everything. If I had correctly contemplated that river A, especially given its Full Tilt Poker ... I should have been expecting the set up. In the past, when I've been smarter than tonight and did expect it, I can always recall doing better because I lost less.
I'm sure at least one of my neighbors heard me moan loudly at the loss.
What is more painful is how closely this comes to what i hate the most about the web. Nobody can deny it's "the" perfect setup for it. Denial is so attractive to accepting that one is hopeless to certain temptation. The Sin of Man is pure genius and has to be seen as the real reason that Christianity has survived as long as it has as well as been the foundation of the weakest and darkest ages man has gone through.
Now you have Madison Scott, porno star cum art gallery owner, doing anal scenes to support the lagging art business she began. And the bio is clearly a pro prostitution procreative protoy proliberal in its position on sex. That Madison comes across so sexy in her pornos is the heart of the matter though, and yet, I know that if there are porno queens out there living off their porno income, maybe Madison is simpliy being scapegoated?
On the topic of scapegoats, I can see myself adding again to that list. I have a few on there already, and one I simply want there because...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Gold Aesthetic
I really haven't been so immeresed in issues regarding aesthetic communication for awhile now. It correlates directly with the heat one's evolution is generating in the moment. The quicker the transformational pace or harder, always reflects the temperature.
And the hotter, the clearer aesthetic communications derive miraculously.
Right now anything I do is in the question of whether its being a possible necessitates manifesting accordingly. To express directness in a complete way is validated by this correlation in the proportions.
The evolution of beauty reaches but stays aesthetic in these moments of higher conscious integral functionality, disappearing along with the extant flow of relevant energy. Well until some guy named Sai comes along and without doing anything in particular sucks the wood of the true cross out of the piece of wood he's holding.
I can't think of a clearer way to distinguish a difference of degree in terms of consciousness being focused, one over the other, defining part of the scale quantifying enlightenment.
And the hotter, the clearer aesthetic communications derive miraculously.
Right now anything I do is in the question of whether its being a possible necessitates manifesting accordingly. To express directness in a complete way is validated by this correlation in the proportions.
The evolution of beauty reaches but stays aesthetic in these moments of higher conscious integral functionality, disappearing along with the extant flow of relevant energy. Well until some guy named Sai comes along and without doing anything in particular sucks the wood of the true cross out of the piece of wood he's holding.
I can't think of a clearer way to distinguish a difference of degree in terms of consciousness being focused, one over the other, defining part of the scale quantifying enlightenment.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
On Foreshadows
This weekend, I underwent a procedure which eliminated an arterial blockage (99.99%)in my heart, next to a branch, saving two arteries as a result. For many months now, I've been attempting to acquire healing from alternative sources motivated by some unknown but felt sense. I attribute that to an inceasing sensitivity and conscious awareness. I never acquired the alternative source of healing and that might be a good thing since it might have prevented me from suffering angina to the extent that I was forced to seek acute medical care. A longer period of time could easily have put me in jeopardy of suffering a heart attack, and given my already weakened heart muscle any additional damage I suffer would put me over the edge of sustainable function.
Alot of negative press has been given to health care here in America, but I do have some wonderful things to say about my doctors. Though I don't have health care due to pre-existing conditions, and my financial situation prevents me from even making payments on the $25,000 hospital bill, they were prepared to intervene and perform the procedure which saved my life, without hesitation. I had to admit myself into Emergency, because in order to have been admitted otherwise would have required a $10,000 deposit. Herein lies the negativity for medical care here in America. We don't go as far as to absolutely deny care, but we won't provide preventative care to people who need it most and are unable to pay, and instead let their symptoms and conditions increase and build until they are about to drop dead before we're willing to help them.
Health care in this country HAS to undergo reform if someone like me is ever provided the motivation to do something more productive in life, given the risk to any income I may produce because of my health status.
Alot of negative press has been given to health care here in America, but I do have some wonderful things to say about my doctors. Though I don't have health care due to pre-existing conditions, and my financial situation prevents me from even making payments on the $25,000 hospital bill, they were prepared to intervene and perform the procedure which saved my life, without hesitation. I had to admit myself into Emergency, because in order to have been admitted otherwise would have required a $10,000 deposit. Herein lies the negativity for medical care here in America. We don't go as far as to absolutely deny care, but we won't provide preventative care to people who need it most and are unable to pay, and instead let their symptoms and conditions increase and build until they are about to drop dead before we're willing to help them.
Health care in this country HAS to undergo reform if someone like me is ever provided the motivation to do something more productive in life, given the risk to any income I may produce because of my health status.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Seeking Spiritual Guidance
What is your life about? Comfort, security, status, power, making a difference, family, love, beauty, truth, healing, teaching, surfing, leisure, art, music, math, science, religion, survival, recovery, duty, honor, God, nature, magic, ideas, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, justice, winning, yoga, fiction, literature, sports, fashion, business? Everyone has a list with a top and bottom don't they? Understanding that most don't give it a second thought, I have and feel somehow betrayed as my heart decided on something well nigh too extreme and hard. I'm having a problem even writing it right now, there's so much failure and my focus seems to unrealistic and unpragmatic. It was made at what remains perhaps a pinnacle of spiritual suffering in my life. The decision was a response to what I perceived as a completely inadequate preparation the Lutheran religion had given me when confronted with my father's death. I held on to my faith but rejected the church and decided conscious contact with the source of the pain and mystery which had swamped my life was the only thing that would give it any meaning. The sorrow continues unabated today on both accounts, over the death and the fallout of my father's death, and over the lack of realization in my consciousness regarding spiritual enlightenment and union with existence's source (which for now I continue to refer to as god or Christ). There appears to now be one modification regarding my spiritual objective which has to do with accepting lesser authorities than the ultimate source, as long as those lesser beings are in fact authorized and possessing of such spirit which may help me to progress, expand, rise, and otherwise increase my ability to KNOW more and more objectively the true spirit and source.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Feeling the Crest of a Wave
All the signals, facts, circumstances which I'm finding in my process of discovery associated with a healer I've chosen and the spiritual disipline of tantra itself are amazingly synchronous and overwhelmingly symbolic for a major transformation in my life. I'm still carrying around the baggage of my past failed love affairs at this time however, and will continue to do so until I get to spend some time with Ariel and determine the reality of what she may or may not have to offer me. The resurgence of hope is always a bad sign I think, one to signal a careful examination of to just what degree mechanical mind is responding to the idea of leaving behind this desert in my existence.
After spending several days now researching many different points of view about Tantra, I have the impression that it could very easily be the best next step for me to traverse given its focus on the male female sexual union as primary and at the core of what is spiritually possible. I have to admit though to having some fairly permament resistence to the elements making up its history, a story which is a overdramatized metaphor for the insights and realizations which together went into that body of wisdom at that time.
Ariel is the most beautiful goddess I've encountered yet, all fresh and innocent, and clearly not expressing her creativity over the top, oversaturation seems so much of the time to be part of the female model. Anyway, I have nothing else yet on tap as far as self development, AND this is really something I can't afford to correct but haven't a clue about as yet, for now.
After spending several days now researching many different points of view about Tantra, I have the impression that it could very easily be the best next step for me to traverse given its focus on the male female sexual union as primary and at the core of what is spiritually possible. I have to admit though to having some fairly permament resistence to the elements making up its history, a story which is a overdramatized metaphor for the insights and realizations which together went into that body of wisdom at that time.
Ariel is the most beautiful goddess I've encountered yet, all fresh and innocent, and clearly not expressing her creativity over the top, oversaturation seems so much of the time to be part of the female model. Anyway, I have nothing else yet on tap as far as self development, AND this is really something I can't afford to correct but haven't a clue about as yet, for now.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Scorecard
A good video on Love and relationship is on YouTube just got posted, find at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqAEfBMlJoc
A wide view of contemporary views from deep in the academic expertise to anecdotes from those stopped on the street.
Up late again tonight surfing online. I have serous doubts about my ability to network well online given what happens everytime I go online. With respect to my current interest in moving into new communities and making significant steps in that area online, can't seem to plug in at all. Instead, I have several bad tastes in my mouth over issues that are pet peeves of mine about what I find online, and are conditions which are what they are and will always be that way or worse. No, for me, I need to stay conscious about my committment to community and then proceed to participate with those communities in exactly the way that will satisfy me to do so.
A major fact of online interaction with others is now an almost constant and always greater bait and switch foreward which is based on a design of call for action. That action is invariably one for money!
MONEY! I have some serious and unmoveable issues with this element present across the internet and how its expression corrupts the possibilities of a global conscious link to life for constantly scratching the walls for anything money that can be mined there. If you buy into the intrinsic value of money then you're the vanguard of the internets marketability and business value.
For those who are all about money, this technology is driven by cash at its very core, the energy to run in it costs money. So those who make the investment, they have advantages in terms of their access and power over the operation of the internet and thish leads them to introducing profiteering in precisely that place of human affairs in which it can do the most damage.
That damage is taking the wisdom of our ancester's and our own possibliities of evolving in applying that wisdom consciously and continuing to learn from it, taking that and hiding it away.
It boggles the mind how nothing today appears any better or supportive for my own need to wake up and evolve myself consciously on higher levels of being. Everything actually seems quite worse for the wear, with small periods of calm now, then, and again, like the video on Love at YouTube I spoke about at the beginning of this entry.
Right now, begin single seems like a blessing. Part of me remains quite upset about this condition still being present in my life at age 50. Zen, tantra, 4th way, art, music, golf ... pretty much sums up my interests for now.
A wide view of contemporary views from deep in the academic expertise to anecdotes from those stopped on the street.
Up late again tonight surfing online. I have serous doubts about my ability to network well online given what happens everytime I go online. With respect to my current interest in moving into new communities and making significant steps in that area online, can't seem to plug in at all. Instead, I have several bad tastes in my mouth over issues that are pet peeves of mine about what I find online, and are conditions which are what they are and will always be that way or worse. No, for me, I need to stay conscious about my committment to community and then proceed to participate with those communities in exactly the way that will satisfy me to do so.
A major fact of online interaction with others is now an almost constant and always greater bait and switch foreward which is based on a design of call for action. That action is invariably one for money!
MONEY! I have some serious and unmoveable issues with this element present across the internet and how its expression corrupts the possibilities of a global conscious link to life for constantly scratching the walls for anything money that can be mined there. If you buy into the intrinsic value of money then you're the vanguard of the internets marketability and business value.
For those who are all about money, this technology is driven by cash at its very core, the energy to run in it costs money. So those who make the investment, they have advantages in terms of their access and power over the operation of the internet and thish leads them to introducing profiteering in precisely that place of human affairs in which it can do the most damage.
That damage is taking the wisdom of our ancester's and our own possibliities of evolving in applying that wisdom consciously and continuing to learn from it, taking that and hiding it away.
It boggles the mind how nothing today appears any better or supportive for my own need to wake up and evolve myself consciously on higher levels of being. Everything actually seems quite worse for the wear, with small periods of calm now, then, and again, like the video on Love at YouTube I spoke about at the beginning of this entry.
Right now, begin single seems like a blessing. Part of me remains quite upset about this condition still being present in my life at age 50. Zen, tantra, 4th way, art, music, golf ... pretty much sums up my interests for now.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Social Places
This morning I'm reeling with how little support I had for my health growing up. Other than the mediocre habits of diet and the abysmal mental practices I received from my family, I had only the grit of my own being. As I have begun to see that power of resistance fade and fail at the age 50, the possibilities I lost and never even suspected growing up, the enlightment and knoweledge, the blessings my forefathers left me in a repository of wisdom rarely seen except for echos and refrains emitting a shine where everything else in life casts a shadow.
This old programming, the influence of the past, I choose to free myself from. Time to work however. I have a job.
This old programming, the influence of the past, I choose to free myself from. Time to work however. I have a job.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Following Artists
Don't have a writer to speak of. Listening to Dave Matthews right now, thinking of JLightner, a roommate, who just flew to see him thousands of miles away, play in New York. Tonight, I had fun watching/listening to comedic stand-up. Ellen DeGeneres, P. Oneal, Craig F, even Tom Hanks was entertaining on cue with David Letterman.
The real story here remains the international economical crisis. There just doesn't seem to be any end to the limits our plans find pertinent and real. The machine doesn't exist anywhere except in our minds along with varying instructional accounts for its operation. Except here, under democratic rule, such social flaws were supposed to stop. Actually, we only succeeded in shining a light into our bottomless capacity to live the machine when our freedom has been attained.
I'm still thinking about how to channel my anger towards my family situation. So far, I've only succeeded in echoing the dysfunction and lived a series of intimate relationships designed to break my heart and create a feeling of being abandoned. I've got that one down, and I no longer am surprised when this demon raises its ugly head in my world and life anymore.
So it goes...
Along with this media swarm, there is the instinct to choke on all the dirt. Let me just say that without acknowledging my responsibility for the amount of dirt in close proximity to my person as being equal or greater, I would not be honest in speaking about that beyond my reach.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to note a recent observation regarding the value this personal blog actually has for me. There's something empowering about writing one's internal story out when one stays conscious of public access to its read. The focus and the result is completely different than identical literary aims I've had lacking this readership dimension. What is that difference?
In my head the difference has to do with something being read, and my influence over that event. Now with respect, I find this takes work, and I often seem less than competent or skilled in the task, but regardless.
I speak to love and listen for it, and yet my life fails to unfold in any sensible manner or reason. The answers exist but believe me when I say they do not make any difference with respect to the experience of one's being this way. This jumbled and unfocused thing is all I have and all I get, and this knowledge as well was supposed to be of great influence in some transformational context, but biting only resulted in my being hauled out of my flow. What is outside of one's flow is no less as valid and yet being outside the flow it remains foreign and insubstantial to life within the flow.
And, finding myself unable to carry anything else into this entry, I close. Hootie's Blowfish makes timeless into music for me now.
The real story here remains the international economical crisis. There just doesn't seem to be any end to the limits our plans find pertinent and real. The machine doesn't exist anywhere except in our minds along with varying instructional accounts for its operation. Except here, under democratic rule, such social flaws were supposed to stop. Actually, we only succeeded in shining a light into our bottomless capacity to live the machine when our freedom has been attained.
I'm still thinking about how to channel my anger towards my family situation. So far, I've only succeeded in echoing the dysfunction and lived a series of intimate relationships designed to break my heart and create a feeling of being abandoned. I've got that one down, and I no longer am surprised when this demon raises its ugly head in my world and life anymore.
So it goes...
Along with this media swarm, there is the instinct to choke on all the dirt. Let me just say that without acknowledging my responsibility for the amount of dirt in close proximity to my person as being equal or greater, I would not be honest in speaking about that beyond my reach.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to note a recent observation regarding the value this personal blog actually has for me. There's something empowering about writing one's internal story out when one stays conscious of public access to its read. The focus and the result is completely different than identical literary aims I've had lacking this readership dimension. What is that difference?
In my head the difference has to do with something being read, and my influence over that event. Now with respect, I find this takes work, and I often seem less than competent or skilled in the task, but regardless.
I speak to love and listen for it, and yet my life fails to unfold in any sensible manner or reason. The answers exist but believe me when I say they do not make any difference with respect to the experience of one's being this way. This jumbled and unfocused thing is all I have and all I get, and this knowledge as well was supposed to be of great influence in some transformational context, but biting only resulted in my being hauled out of my flow. What is outside of one's flow is no less as valid and yet being outside the flow it remains foreign and insubstantial to life within the flow.
And, finding myself unable to carry anything else into this entry, I close. Hootie's Blowfish makes timeless into music for me now.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Family Remains
While my father's previous wife to my mother's marriage and my birth has been problematic for me due to her insane and disruptive behaviors, the reality for me in the larger perspective has been no less crazy and broken down. She has over the years done some truly heinous evil deeds and I could attach all responsibility, at least for the most part, on her. Thinking about my value for my father however, I can imagine how his infidelity to her with my mother, conceiving me with my mom while he was still married to his previous wife could cause that woman the worst even unimaginable kind of female wrath. Reasonable at least where without such understanding I've only suffered the dregs of confusion and resentment against all manner and type of target, credited with guilt by simple association, imagined or real.
The breakthrough in this change of perspective puts responsibility to a degree on my father's immoral act, and forces me to accept my existence as cursed karmically from being a direct result of his lack of integrity. While my mother and he declared me their love child, I am not so easily convinced in the righteousness of that reason.
However, my existence, to have meaning requires that I reconcile the betrayal somehow. That my conscious awareness regarding my suffering and its source relative to my lack of family support and security is maturing to the point of helping me calm my roll and eliminate inappropriate action and emotion(drama), existence remains an unanswered call for me, a void only a genuine purpose will fill.
Raising a family and enjoying the special reality and love a good family milieu provides seems entirely impossible for me at this time. That leaves me alone, I am what's left. From my father's early betrayal, all that is left for me is me, and I ask you, what can possibly exist for me in this life when all that might have been is lost? Even my luck is ruined by that karmic nightmare. I can't even have a decent time playing a simple game because luck is always against me.
Finding something I love to do occurs as a possibility only because there are things I like to do, like write. But, once again the karma card trumps everything else. I'm quite sure nobody cares or wants to read what I have to write or say.
Thus, I understand how the gravity of my life has favored instinctive levels of satisfaction. Eating, sleeping, mind altering substances, all manner of masturbations, etc. Well, get some help you might say. Did all that, and yet, I know I have nothing else, so I must try again.
The breakthrough in this change of perspective puts responsibility to a degree on my father's immoral act, and forces me to accept my existence as cursed karmically from being a direct result of his lack of integrity. While my mother and he declared me their love child, I am not so easily convinced in the righteousness of that reason.
However, my existence, to have meaning requires that I reconcile the betrayal somehow. That my conscious awareness regarding my suffering and its source relative to my lack of family support and security is maturing to the point of helping me calm my roll and eliminate inappropriate action and emotion(drama), existence remains an unanswered call for me, a void only a genuine purpose will fill.
Raising a family and enjoying the special reality and love a good family milieu provides seems entirely impossible for me at this time. That leaves me alone, I am what's left. From my father's early betrayal, all that is left for me is me, and I ask you, what can possibly exist for me in this life when all that might have been is lost? Even my luck is ruined by that karmic nightmare. I can't even have a decent time playing a simple game because luck is always against me.
Finding something I love to do occurs as a possibility only because there are things I like to do, like write. But, once again the karma card trumps everything else. I'm quite sure nobody cares or wants to read what I have to write or say.
Thus, I understand how the gravity of my life has favored instinctive levels of satisfaction. Eating, sleeping, mind altering substances, all manner of masturbations, etc. Well, get some help you might say. Did all that, and yet, I know I have nothing else, so I must try again.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Finally, it's been about this...
The title of this blog holds the space though represents the process producing the words here which for me include a faded recreation of the evolving itself, thus only and actually from the past and ghosted over.
But, given the task to express one's vision or top goal or purpose for writing a book, and this blog being the closest thing I currently have to a book, I somehow managed to thread its beginning all the way back to my father's promise to me to inform me about life after death. That was 38 years ago and has yet to happen.
I can comfortably say that my life has been about that promise and its lack of fulfillment which I still relate to with a painstaking still patience but which I hide with all manner of ineffective initiative and action.
So then, to whom can I find help regarding this insight now? Perhaps no one will step forward without a bill and compensation, all of which creates a degree of suspicion about yet another treatment, change, etc. which you can well imagine I am exhausted by over the last 30 plus years of such trying efforts.
Sounds crazy to me but I cannot hide from the fact that what my life is about is seeking a means to resolve my father's lack of communication after his death. It is just to inconsistent with his having made the promise to me shortly before he died in my arms to begin with.
To attempt a positive spin perhaps I could say my life is about how touching death with one's heart is unwise without being able to completely let go of our former bonds to the life having just passed in our presence.
How to reduce this to the most powerful language is my current task before progressing it seems....
But, given the task to express one's vision or top goal or purpose for writing a book, and this blog being the closest thing I currently have to a book, I somehow managed to thread its beginning all the way back to my father's promise to me to inform me about life after death. That was 38 years ago and has yet to happen.
I can comfortably say that my life has been about that promise and its lack of fulfillment which I still relate to with a painstaking still patience but which I hide with all manner of ineffective initiative and action.
So then, to whom can I find help regarding this insight now? Perhaps no one will step forward without a bill and compensation, all of which creates a degree of suspicion about yet another treatment, change, etc. which you can well imagine I am exhausted by over the last 30 plus years of such trying efforts.
Sounds crazy to me but I cannot hide from the fact that what my life is about is seeking a means to resolve my father's lack of communication after his death. It is just to inconsistent with his having made the promise to me shortly before he died in my arms to begin with.
To attempt a positive spin perhaps I could say my life is about how touching death with one's heart is unwise without being able to completely let go of our former bonds to the life having just passed in our presence.
How to reduce this to the most powerful language is my current task before progressing it seems....
Tinkering with Stover, is it enough to delete by accident?
OMG! Using browser blog editor earlier today, I wrote a fairly indepth piece on the moment titled Now This... it was quick and fast but really an important look into my research into Tantra, but wait...
Tonight saw me switch over to review a earlier more intellectual influence named Jessica Stover, a creative talent quick to cite her literary contexts as relevant and classical elegance like that has never grown old for me. Anyway, here to enter something noteworthy before proceeding into the later hours of my night tonight, I clicked a button titled clear content before having published it to to my blog, thus losing a degree of value I deemed important regarding my wish to evolve my health and healing.
Now here I am with Stover's quote and praise for this insight which I have repeatedly every day regarding how I perform my tasks at the golf course and achieve a daily freshness which represents more importantly a ongoing refinement and greater efficiency in my production.
She refers to Nassim Nicholas Taleb, author of the The Black Swan: The Impact of the HIGHLY IMPROBABLE....and I excerpt on the following ...
What's interesting is how naturally my mind responds to such results in terms of assessing their value in terms of the ERROR which relates the change in effect. To correct that error becomes the meta-tinker phase of tinkering and is in my mind central to our creativity as it relates to transformation and breakthrough success.
So, it is that only ERROR gives way to SUCCESS and what we desire as the completed result. As new editions of completion via this process of error correction take place, the meta-phase of the process becomes conscious, its metaphysical value, the transcendence of illusion and dichotomy to integral processing and being clear in reality.
More later....
Tonight saw me switch over to review a earlier more intellectual influence named Jessica Stover, a creative talent quick to cite her literary contexts as relevant and classical elegance like that has never grown old for me. Anyway, here to enter something noteworthy before proceeding into the later hours of my night tonight, I clicked a button titled clear content before having published it to to my blog, thus losing a degree of value I deemed important regarding my wish to evolve my health and healing.
Now here I am with Stover's quote and praise for this insight which I have repeatedly every day regarding how I perform my tasks at the golf course and achieve a daily freshness which represents more importantly a ongoing refinement and greater efficiency in my production.
She refers to Nassim Nicholas Taleb, author of the The Black Swan: The Impact of the HIGHLY IMPROBABLE....and I excerpt on the following ...
" Random tinkering is the path to success. And fortunately, we are increasingly learning to practice it without knowing it--thanks to overconfident entrepreneurs, naive investors, greedy investment bankers, confused scientists and aggressive venture capitalists brought together by the free-market system.
We need more tinkering: Uninhibited, aggressive, proud tinkering. We need to make our own luck. We can be scared and worried about the future, or we can look at it as a collection of happy surprises that lie outside the path of our imagination."
In my experience there is a very concrete level to this phenomenon. And it has to do with achieving a level of productive expertise and repetitive competence which can carry a simple codex of steps to direct any layperson to recreate such competent productivity with some acceptable degree of imperfection. I achieve every other day in my routine tasks in outside service at CVGC. When I become unconsciously adept at performing, my first impulse after food, sex, and comfort is to "tinker" with the way. Generally, such tinkerings have a positive and negative impact, achieving some new potential path of action having inspired it in the first place, but such change causing the ordered roll at that moment to become imbalanced and different. Different how? To some degree the result changes which is the ultimate measure of any cause in the first place, that by gauging its effect.What's interesting is how naturally my mind responds to such results in terms of assessing their value in terms of the ERROR which relates the change in effect. To correct that error becomes the meta-tinker phase of tinkering and is in my mind central to our creativity as it relates to transformation and breakthrough success.
So, it is that only ERROR gives way to SUCCESS and what we desire as the completed result. As new editions of completion via this process of error correction take place, the meta-phase of the process becomes conscious, its metaphysical value, the transcendence of illusion and dichotomy to integral processing and being clear in reality.
More later....
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Inside "Focusing" work by Ann Cornell
The further I get into a book by Ann Cornell called, The Radical Acceptance of Everything, the more I see her work aligned in its efforts to what I've already come to embrace in the Fourth Way. There's no spiritual, historical background behind "focusing," but the success made by her and her colleagues greatly raises awareness in a way that repairs the wrong work and dysfunctionality of being human, rendering us the worst of machines. Concepts used for FOCUSING and those offered by the Fourth Way have completely different intents and exist on different scales of being. For the hearer, the ideas of focusing exist only insofar as are effective tools for direction and guidance for those engaged in the theraputic process itself. While Fourth Way concepts reveal an intellectual and descriptive mode or level of thinking about being human, Cornells concepts support a process between speaker and listener in which the listener is challenged semantically in precise ways which result in transformations to the awareness. The effect on awareness reflects a clearer and much wider field of reality we all seem pretty much blind to at present and in our past.
Just today, after reading anecdotes in which FOCUSING techniques were applied to obtain results, I found my own personal awareness significantly shifted. It's a very difficult process to withstand. In particular, the sorrow associated with recognizing how much of life is or was missed growing up. How unaware I was is overwhelmingly shocking as I see how I might just as easily been instructed as a child in a way leading to higher levels of awareness that we all actually need to be fully human and happy, in the first degree.
One of the most important distinctions I can offer at this time about the difference in the quality of awareness has to do with the idea of listening. The work of Cornell is all about focusing one's listening on what we have not been listening to and long ago forgot even existed. These PLACES and AREAS for which our awareness was withdrawn, continued to exist influencing us in such negative but hidden and unacknowledged ways.
So, now is the beginning of a real period of recovery in my life.
And all the time, while growing up, going to a psychotherapist, I was under the impression that I was either doomed or cursed in some way, somehow defective in my core and that my happiness was always going to be at best transient, always covering over the knowledge that in some permanent way I was not relevant to my world.
Well, with today's new insights among other recent ones, I have begun to feel encouraged to engage in relative work I can either devise or find to test out what's possible for the health and healing of my being-awareness. The core of it all is pure awareness, the evolution of it through higher consciousness. It's not really changing the process as much as it is evolving my ability to be aware, and in that higher awareness the process of life and its quality transforms by itself.
My issues, for now remain the same in general, though a lot of movement has taken place within these contexts in the last few days. Family, love, money, health, happiness, liberty, justice, spirit, education. These remain my main and primary issues in life, today.
Just today, after reading anecdotes in which FOCUSING techniques were applied to obtain results, I found my own personal awareness significantly shifted. It's a very difficult process to withstand. In particular, the sorrow associated with recognizing how much of life is or was missed growing up. How unaware I was is overwhelmingly shocking as I see how I might just as easily been instructed as a child in a way leading to higher levels of awareness that we all actually need to be fully human and happy, in the first degree.
One of the most important distinctions I can offer at this time about the difference in the quality of awareness has to do with the idea of listening. The work of Cornell is all about focusing one's listening on what we have not been listening to and long ago forgot even existed. These PLACES and AREAS for which our awareness was withdrawn, continued to exist influencing us in such negative but hidden and unacknowledged ways.
So, now is the beginning of a real period of recovery in my life.
And all the time, while growing up, going to a psychotherapist, I was under the impression that I was either doomed or cursed in some way, somehow defective in my core and that my happiness was always going to be at best transient, always covering over the knowledge that in some permanent way I was not relevant to my world.
Well, with today's new insights among other recent ones, I have begun to feel encouraged to engage in relative work I can either devise or find to test out what's possible for the health and healing of my being-awareness. The core of it all is pure awareness, the evolution of it through higher consciousness. It's not really changing the process as much as it is evolving my ability to be aware, and in that higher awareness the process of life and its quality transforms by itself.
My issues, for now remain the same in general, though a lot of movement has taken place within these contexts in the last few days. Family, love, money, health, happiness, liberty, justice, spirit, education. These remain my main and primary issues in life, today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)