Once again a woman draws me out and flirts enough to earn some trust and then becomes overwhelmed by my wildness and gets weirder and weirder before simply dropping out.
I feel like such an idiot. More like a sinking ship's captain discovering it was another female jumping ship after making a few choice holes beyond repair. And, while this time I feel I was spared to some degree, the girl represented something important regarding what my entire life has been about, a research for, ongoingly and spiritually. She had traveled there where I wanted to go, and I felt I knew her so well.
Helping her write her story was such a key step as well. And then, we got off on her 'gate to heaven,' a guy named Dwarka with whom she says Christ consciousness became present in a moment of orgasmic bliss. Fantastic eh? How beautiful is she I thought to myself and still do? But her issues with Dwarka really seem to implode on her somehow although she is not talking. I have traced the breakdown and today's final notice to his arrival in our conversation. It was hard NOT to miss. After that point her attitude was more and more resistant and argumentative, increasing intensity and its insanity almost daily.
And in the recent days it got so severe that anything I said became too much for her to bare. As a result of not being able to influence me intellectually or emotionally, she appears to have simply withdrawn from her commitments with me. At any rate, she's got that right, and I honored it with as much simplicity as she offered it. She never reached very far after all, in her efforts to touch my heart. This probably more than anything I regret not having been more successful with, especially with her. And now, with her withdrawl, staring me in the face here via email it feels like the longest minor earthquake, shaking my body from the soles of my feet up. Nothing moving but my nauseated sense of it all.
What do you say to a mature woman who simply flipped on you making you some kind of persona non gratus? It's such a shame not to have been able to really trust her and not be simply abandoned like this. For awhile though it was tremendous fun.
This pretty much ends it for me. I expect she'll never contact me again. And have no idea what I would say if she did. Right now I have time to kill, the Suns at 7pm vs San Antonio, reading over the weekend. Letting go is easily one of the hardest things for us to do.
White Flag, by Dido, is playing and made a perfectly timed entrance for a new expression of synchronicity, at least in their support emotionally. This last incident of having a woman informally boot me or dump me to the curb over my entangling her with my words ... I mean how interesting is that? My sense was that the difficulty between her and I was always about what my words meant and perhaps her never honestly synching up to them and the meaning I was bringing forth.
There is and was no mistaking how my words were philosophical and contempative. My intellectualizations have never been accepted entirely by anybody. It had been ~15 years since my last romantic engagement with Paula, and I think I need to 'dig deeper' to create the credibility needed to write this complicated jaunt of mine. I was really leaning heavingly on this writing project of hers today, looking forward to coming home and cracking it open, but instead found her drop kick of my being to the curb, the other choice made and the feeling is quintessentially fucked.
When people make this move where they pick up their marbles and leave... Can anything be worse? Even with Paula, who was literally trying to kill me at certain times when she 'broke,' putting her on a bus back to Kansas signified and end to any more heroic efforts to fix her or us. I know that that a level of heroism crept into the way I related to her and it wouldn't surpise me if at some point she didn't herself coming to the same realization this and simply resisting it because that is the femininist appropriate response of independence and disinterest in men's will to provide and protect, UNLESS OF COURSE it follows her plan or idea of what she needs and wants.
We battled at that level for a awhile i guess, and this failure is met with some degree of relief. This blog on it is just my way of decompressing I guess and looking more deeply at the elements of mine, at least, which were culpable so I can continue to get through this mine field that has grown up between myself and the coast and a darling goddess I know.
Alrighty then, said the incredibly funny and off the charts funny man, and speaking between us he says, 'Will you ever get things right and make sacred spiritual love with a goddess like Renee? I only refer to Renee because being my first lover, she was also by far a more beautiful and powerful Tantric lover than anyone I've ever met seemed to be perhaps.
And, the work on injaculating continues, though now I have no one close to me personally to ask anymore. This capacity of hers to turn me out the way she did, wow, I will have to say that it is precisely the worst quality and nothing but the ugliest kind of behavior given love's ultimate promise and our deepest need. Wow, I see the sadness now, just bridging the horizon of my interior here. Guess I'll step in and drink of this ... Namaste, rj
I couldn't help myself from thinking of her one last time tonight and her attraction to OSHO led me to scan some of his quotes, which I then found one matching her mention of its title and thought I brought the title with me. If I know where I could call myself to ask but regardless I wanted to share the small poem I found of Osho's while kickin it naturally...
Know what you are at present
and then know its credibility or its lack of credibility.
It is what knows that
that is, in you, most credible.
-
Barry Long, Tantric Master~Love Flipped a Flop
I've been judged by her love, no longer smiling.
Could there be any thing worse in life than this?
Nothing I have ever done has thwarted the hissy.
Even rational transformation and all the benefits
do not make up the difference, at Point Heinous.
Can't really blame myself too much even now
Nothing comes close to the flipping she flopped,
and how it turned my entire world upsidedown.
Just like that, a 10.0 quake of heart and soul.
Shock trembles for hours. Calling all my 911s.
- 5/6/2010, rjd
