On The Heels of Stephanie

It's been a very strange couple of last days, which has seen an ongoing olfactory halluncination of sorts which evokes a supernatural feminine feeling and given my current focus on the Tantra Deities, most of them female goddesses, and how to recreate them along with my research telling me essentially that this is the one part of Tantric Practice I had missed, in effect pulling my old tricks of clairvoyance as I was already in the process of doing this research when I discovered the central aspect of the practice being to PLAY the part, to channel the energy, being, deity, goddess, whatever.

Well, along with this smell of wicked feminine sex, has been my invitation for it to come in. And so, I'm not sure what is really going on. But for sure, Stephanie has simply stopped communicating now for over 2 months, afgter promising me that she would never do that. And I took her word, because I thought it meant something.

No wonder I'm getting lots of attention from above, because this kind of thing used to just ruin me, and it should of this time around as well, but somehow it hasn't, and my focus and energy have risen not decreased. And, I get these inhalations of such pungent fragrance like I've never ... and nobody else seems to notifce So I kindof have just been wading through it, but this blop post puts an end ot all of that.

So, back to the grind and feeling like I'm on a 70s Acid trip ...

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Waiting in Abyss

I can feel you now, a phantom of soreness
a dark wood, a shifting shadow, drips silent
in this place, where the tears descend inward
I am alone, sunning the thou, still within flow
my muse, dearest, her warm perfume, sleep
even as cold air begins, the flame all but out.

My stillness persists, my homage to your gift
and grace unlike any before, divine beauty
the true muse of my life, and yet, an abyss.
I am falling, still, a flight made in your name
such is your memory keeping calm the way
My desire has turned to sorrow - that I fear.

You don't care. Should I? Evil fait accompli...
swallowed up by love, holding my breath.
Not enough though, to forget, impossible.
Somehow, I have been cursed to this hell.
Sleep comes despite this air of bitterness
for a dream that left me waiting in abyss.

Every lesson life brings machine like here
The step up seems impossible somehow
I am stopped by imaginations on my loss
I've learned this nostaligic cross is unreal.
And yet I still feel it's weight, amazingly
Well, this is my ode to heart of confusion.

When do I get to travel the road, across
where love is something you hold on to?
And you tell me I have it ass backwards
as I have been told practically all my life.
Well, there you go, I'm solid, automa(n)ton.
Long time sun, the longer me, a love's knell...

© 6/2011 rjduberg

To Die For

The part of life I have cared the most about,
enjoyed the most, learned the most from,
found the most inspiration as a result of,
came unglued to most with,
spent my nights awake over the most,
ever became ecstatic over,
ever felt my life martyred by,
or felt like martyring my life by,
not to mention just dying for.

Well it died just yesterday now
after revealing itself as a fraud.
Letting go was never so hard
and yet, who can hold on
in the face of a bracing wind
to the tail of a tale about vapor

There will be no wake for the crying
those better left alone to think it over
might just complicate things if they knew
the manner of my lover, lying I could trust her.
Despite her persuasions and sleight of hand
which defied my reason and better judgment
for years, only to suddenly call on my attention
with that old pattern I honestly thought was over

found everything at risk to begin had evaporated.

© 110223 rjduberg

Lover

my heart beats
sound your name
in my soul as clear
as rain, as radiant as
the sun, and as deep
as the ocean, as beautiful
as a starry night, and more
fragrant than any rose.

The Talent is the Call

Bringing light into the world making life possible
would be the sun's call and her answer shines
without condition but without recognition, love
and a talent that makes miracles like this world
remains so far away, its said too close burns ya
and every feather I see floating is what remains
of those who got separated from their shadows
when blinded and dehydrated, surprise surprise.
Nobody blames her, life thrives more than not.
Of that I have to believe, like a moon shadow
Her talent is a world that loves her still, so, well
even while not knowing, their being calls her.
If I have a soulmate then as much as you, her.
And if I am sideways with you, then with her
while the weather will roar in darkest shadow
Even Gaia cannot stand love that is wasted.
Being a man requires you to negotiate love
against the unbearable thought negation.
The cost skyrockets after so many declines
and nothing good comes in that descent.
Gaia tells me the same, a brother as well
Skewed is a little town I'm accused of visiting
when the descent bankruptcy begins to win.
This ONE TIME, my star will continue to shine.

© 2-17-2011 rjduberg

~Death Rambles to Hell

Itt's sad again to run into my melancholy, unexpected distress now
 change, now, some added survival skills
slow is for me, ranged out comfortably, ticks are lost on others
change of atmosphere's Kelvin is never missed to my extremities
hands and feet, numb as hell
always noticed, always in mood to engage legendary futterwacken
 a lot is rarely noticed except by function, and some moods don't care
I got em spread out more consciously now, their essence comes
along a measure of energy singular or combined, mess kept separate
for messy minds in past and history tonight, the way back, unkind
SCAT FACT
Just feeling clear enough to quickly harmonize a frequency polyphonic
 energy vibrating at a certain rate, pace, or dynamic range is aligned
Right now I am on the tail of a big flop, in full polarity reversal
and nothing is very pretty about such a sight, felt invisible butt ugly
known only by new felt energy, heard by inner ear, with an inner eye.
ENERGY in a MOOD
But tonights mood strangely suggests I lost relational respect
after earlier today dramatically stating how much I need her
I felt so much pain over losing Renee I threaten suicide to her
and there's nothing odder one finds than desperate pretense
you know your going to face whatever, if your ruse misfires
but nothing could be expected to be greater for the magnitude
expressed in an actor's talent to be sincere despite negatives.
There's no honor gained by forgetting to de-stage in present
where reality exists and life is limited to existing processing
process existing like death ramble to hell
to make death early and merciful my answer
for what?
NOT THIS
Stephie's convincing me no matter what, she will not cheat.
That one is a real stormy pit with surging cold front coming
front surging in me, backside will wait until eye floods not
in dry whisps wheezing maybe, tired of crying over a girl.
WATERSOGGY
She convinced me with concurrent moods unfamiliar now.
I just feel the inevitable pain of being axed permanent like...
my inward horizon unseen yet felt beyond foggy notions
I've learned to trust even if wrong, for such errors instruct
us, to lessons of abstract nature to prepare the eventuality
of our escort to manifestations reflecting nothing familiar
old conditions overrun by abstract knowledge, now here
makes a new mood - so highly desirable.
I liked the old ones when she was still mine to have
it's worthy even if untrue for my dreams of any sanity
MOODED
grace, high and dry, less being fav...
The thought of losing her still bloody's floor with cardio
my chest wounds leave me broken without the sorrow
for I'd rather not end my days in a world without her
and I'm pretty sure my frenzied attempt to re-negotiate
the new mood's shadow, cast over my heart like a hat
failed miserably with another slow roll to the presses.
I take as some kind of compassionate compromise
where extra time is provided for me to get used to it
LOL
casting shadows on my face like that
and used up in encore between surviving issue
sees me choking on view to extinguishing flames
the idea itself reprehensible, only she would
unafraid, and really without care still so graceful
so much that these lethal wounds she disallowed
and now this makes a second time with the one
whose to blame! ... when all is mutualized nutbag.
NO
still engaged but connection fading, right?
how much time? is simple, shorter, no doubt
what hope have I remains a crime third time
still a third time really sucks somehow
and I should mention that any killing
possible not for lack of weapons
or killers and triggers
would favor me by ending this
by doing me first
so sick to see her
a third time, is odd, is it not?
COPYRIGHT © 2152011 rjduberg

PS-I hope she never reads this, and my experiment remains less influential outside my control. I prefer her maintain social grace with positive notes even if volume decreases steadily and unresponsive for glory of past.

Somewhat ashamed my general westernized idiom use here hearkened me back all theway to Renee ... so concerned that my choice on a subject that sucks like this will offend or irritate a reader's comfort with this poem.
It talks to a specific time and place and understanding relevant to my life and it sucks but wtf? That's the ramble to hell man

Open to suggestions for replacing my current navigational maps with new associations, for sure.

Namaste,rj