Love Flipped a Flop

Once again a woman draws me out and flirts enough to earn some trust and then becomes overwhelmed by my wildness and gets weirder and weirder before simply dropping out.

I feel like such an idiot. More like a sinking ship's captain discovering it was another female jumping ship after making a few choice holes beyond repair. And, while this time I feel I was spared to some degree, the girl represented something important regarding what my entire life has been about, a research for, ongoingly and spiritually. She had traveled there where I wanted to go, and I felt I knew her so well.

Helping her write her story was such a key step as well. And then, we got off on her 'gate to heaven,' a guy named Dwarka with whom she says Christ consciousness became present in a moment of orgasmic bliss. Fantastic eh? How beautiful is she I thought to myself and still do? But her issues with Dwarka really seem to implode on her somehow although she is not talking. I have traced the breakdown and today's final notice to his arrival in our conversation. It was hard NOT to miss. After that point her attitude was more and more resistant and argumentative, increasing intensity and its insanity almost daily.

And in the recent days it got so severe that anything I said became too much for her to bare. As a result of not being able to influence me intellectually or emotionally, she appears to have simply withdrawn from her commitments with me. At any rate, she's got that right, and I honored it with as much simplicity as she offered it. She never reached very far after all, in her efforts to touch my heart. This probably more than anything I regret not having been more successful with, especially with her. And now, with her withdrawl, staring me in the face here via email it feels like the longest minor earthquake, shaking my body from the soles of my feet up. Nothing moving but my nauseated sense of it all.

What do you say to a mature woman who simply flipped on you making you some kind of persona non gratus? It's such a shame not to have been able  to really trust her and not be simply abandoned like this. For awhile though it was tremendous fun.

This pretty much ends it for me. I expect she'll never contact me again. And have no idea what I would say if she did. Right now I have time to kill, the Suns at 7pm vs San Antonio, reading over the weekend. Letting go is easily one of the hardest things for us to do.

White Flag, by Dido, is playing and made a perfectly timed entrance for a new expression of synchronicity, at least in their support emotionally. This last incident of having a woman informally boot me or dump me to the curb over my entangling her with my words ... I mean how interesting is that? My sense was that the difficulty between her and I was always about what my words meant and perhaps her never honestly synching up to them and the meaning I was bringing forth.

There is and was no mistaking how my words were philosophical and contempative. My intellectualizations have never been accepted entirely by anybody. It had been ~15 years since my last romantic engagement with Paula, and I think I need to 'dig deeper' to create the credibility needed to write this complicated jaunt of mine. I was really leaning heavingly on this writing project of hers today, looking forward to coming home and cracking it open, but instead found her drop kick of my being to the curb, the other choice made and the feeling is quintessentially fucked.

When people make this move where they pick up their marbles and leave... Can anything be worse? Even with Paula, who was literally trying to kill me at certain times when she 'broke,' putting her on a bus back to Kansas signified and end to any more heroic efforts to fix her or us. I know that that a level of heroism crept into the way I related to her and it wouldn't surpise me if at some point she didn't herself coming to the same realization this and simply resisting it because that is the femininist appropriate response of independence and disinterest in men's will to provide and protect, UNLESS OF COURSE it follows her plan or idea of what she needs and wants.

We battled at that level for a awhile i guess, and this failure is met with some degree of relief. This blog on it is just my way of decompressing I guess and looking more deeply at the elements of mine, at least, which were culpable so I can continue to get through this mine field that has grown up between myself and the coast and a darling goddess I know.

Alrighty then, said the incredibly funny and off the charts funny man, and speaking between us he says, 'Will you ever get things right and make sacred spiritual love with a goddess like Renee?  I only refer to Renee because being my first lover, she was also by far a more beautiful and powerful Tantric lover than anyone I've ever met seemed to be perhaps.

And, the work on injaculating continues, though now I have no one close to me personally to ask anymore. This capacity of hers to turn me out the way she did, wow, I will have to say that it is precisely the worst quality and nothing but the ugliest kind of behavior given love's ultimate promise and our deepest need. Wow, I see the sadness now, just bridging the horizon of my interior here. Guess I'll step in and drink of this ... Namaste, rj

I couldn't help myself from thinking of her one last time tonight and her attraction to OSHO led me to scan some of his quotes, which I then found one matching her mention of its title and thought I brought the title with me. If I know where I could call myself to ask but regardless I wanted to share the small poem I found of Osho's while kickin it naturally...

Know what you are at present
 and then know its credibility or its lack of credibility.
It is what knows that
 that is, in you, most credible.
   - Barry Long, Tantric Master


~Love Flipped a Flop
I've been judged by her love, no longer smiling.
Could there be any thing worse in life than this?
Nothing I have ever done has thwarted the hissy.
Even rational transformation and all the benefits
do not make up the difference, at Point Heinous.
Can't really blame myself too much even now
Nothing comes close to the flipping she flopped,
and how it turned my entire world upsidedown.
Just like that, a 10.0 quake of heart and soul.
Shock trembles for hours. Calling all my 911s.

   - 5/6/2010, rjd

Boston Insight

I’m quite shocked by my sister’s invitation to help me move near her in Boston. She’s not kidding, and it concerns me a little, whether this invitation is really out of consideration for me or whether it serves some hidden personal need. I have always been and felt like her hero protector, defending her to her and the world whenever circumstances or will of opposition appeared to conspire against her. From all accounts, nothing has really changed in her life, or she’s not speaking up about it. This latest invitation does “up the ante” a little bit, yet how huge is a move like that? If it’s just a good idea on her end, I could wind up so far away from any comfort zone and with my various medical issues that’s more than just a small bit of concern. I’ve been living at my current residence with roommates John and Matt, now for almost 5 years. We have a strong and reliable unity which allows for complete independence as well. It’s easily one of the best living situations I’ve ever established in life, and abandoning this would seems foolish unless I was unable to maintain it for some reason. But Boston! Think of opportunity for new adventure, exploring the roots of America, culturally, historically, politically, etc.  In some ways, life here has stalled for me for quite some time, particularly professionally and romantically. Reviving myself in a new market like Boston would be like being reborn in a higher plane of existence.

I realize this is all imagination and the truth could simply be that I drag whatever conditions source what is manifesting in my life along with me to Boston, not doing them (Bostonians) any favors as well, right? If you’re following this line of reason there is a really subtle and powerful insight to be made regarding conscious transformation this illustrates well having to do with HOW to create the proper attitude in order to “usher in” transformation in terms of making a necessary change within instead of trying to do it from the outside in (which is how our linear minds conceive the process of purposeful change... Have, Do, Be vs Be, Do, Have). The logic of reason which blames circumstances for our satisfaction in life is overwhelmingly tempting because its precisely how we recall events and how they relate to one another. What is unseen, invisible, and revealed by quantum mechanics theoretically is that context both transcends and determines manifestation and how manifestation unfolds by virtue of being the “space” in which manifestation is expressed.

This wisdom is nothing new of course and goes all the way back to the Buddhist view of life as being essentially empty and meaningless in truth. Nothing exists except that we say that it does of course, and the reality of this is that speech as a fact is not the point but rather it’s expression of subjectivity, expressly human, and its calling influence in real terms of manifesting vibrational attraction and influence via the quantum realities which transcend time and space - makes it relevant for how it structures subjectivity in reality. So, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but more than that is the divinity of infinite diversity and embodied spirit in unique and original instances of existence and being. This is the ultimate expression of beauty of course, where the source and unity of spirit (the source of all that eternally exists) intersects and is expressed in the essence of human  individuality. The magic of humanity is how it sits at the zenith or pinnacle of this possibility, having the greatest and most powerfully expansive capacity and manifestation of this intersection. Humanity actually represents an evolution to this cosmological beauty by introducing conscious will, or the capacity for individuality to DIRECT, SOURCE, and otherwise make this intersection’s expression intrinsic to their being and
 an EVOLVING RELEVANCE also known as TEACHING, but factually a conscious transmission of evolution leap frogging material processes via spiritual dimensions which are non-physical and transcendent.

Excuse me for going off on a rant like that but whenever I happen upon an opportunity to view from such a high vista in moments when the sky is clear the ecstatic nature of that view never seems to fail in tempting me <vbs>.

There is teaching and then there is TEACHING which is spiritual evolution and only heard by those making a conscious effort to hear. The words have a transcendental ‘flow’ to them which to some degree always challenges and defeats the dualistic linearity of the rational mind, introducing a kind of internal and hidden message at precisely that place as well only the conscious effort to be present, allowing the soul direct contact in the moment, can understand and benefit from. This benefit is the TEACHING which has the single aim of promoting the individual’s conscious spiritual evolution and even more their value of their individual capacity to evolve themselves from within.

OK...so what is the relevance of all this to Boston you ask? Seeing Boston in terms of representing an opportunity to revive my life in certain dimensions is only valid insofar as I consciously contribute a new choice of purpose which is an open contribution when I get there. If going there to GET something is the active context in my experience, I will get what I already have, and my very presence will turn Boston into another Imperial Beach which I assure you has many positives, but certain absences which I have noted LOL. That’s called the baggage, which you hear referred to time and time again in pop psychology. Anyway, whew, that was an exciting little write just now, which I hope wasn’t too long and didn’t get too far out of hand. I know your heart well enough to know that you are one of the few that is listening and evolving or I wouldn’t have been so crass to waste your time with my mutterings. But, given who you are, I just know that being on that path and hearing the spirit teach through another is always a divinely rare moment in time, too few for me to be sure.

The move to Boston needs a little more convergence of support at this point for it to happen I think. That’s an important point I recall I wanted to make having to do with the exception to the case regarding baggage. Karma and the roll of that wheel takes place on a scale of time spanning lifetimes, such that when people talk about having lived multiple lifetimes in this incarnation what they’re talking about distinct from transformation is the roll of karma. It may simply be a transitional period of karma emerging and without doing any inner work my karmic evolution is rolling into a new period so that arriving in Boston may also be a natural and UNCONSCIOUS change in my natural being as a contribution. Anything is possible in this sense, paupers have become kings, throughout time immemorial – all having nothing to do with conscious evolution and transformation.

I should add that larger karmic issues do not judge virtue in their mechanisms of balance, that principle determining a denser play of reality. Just as many kings have lost their heads without any reason or cause on their part simply to satisfy this ongoing energetic correction in the universal unfolding manifestation of mind and matter, as well.

At any rate, my promise of HOW might have been a slight exaggeration regarding the insight. I probably should have said WHAT to be more accurate regarding the insight and its relevance to making conscious change in one’s life.

I’ll keep writing, and at some point with your permission will organize and read through the ‘chapters’ I have received by you. Then, if you still want I will send my notes on ways you might consider improving what you have of course, if they impress you of being positive changes, for sure.

... Ushered In

Your squatting ephemera gave a pause to my dullard day
to think, on your mash of natural expressions with animus
in linguistic ploy of host, whistling afterall, the forgotten.
But, there sitting for bliss' balliwick now, the joyous clarity
found to the delight by and in a made void ... ushered in.

5/1/2010, rjd

You wrote ... "I don't mean it as just an awake/aware state- but as "known or felt by one's inner self" and also... "It’s important to realize that consciousness is NOT a state. It sometimes gets confused for people and I’m not sure if its because they haven’t yet integrated the true definition of consciousness into their general world view. Is this because there are multiple levels of consciousness for man? For man, HIS LEVEL or where and how he contacts Consciousness as it is (defined in its essence as the source of Unity behind all Diversity). This CONTACT gives us the value consciousness has for our lives and being. Our value is for the Field we’re able to find touch and its expressing the Unity in the Diversity. Nothing more can be said about consciousness in words per se that makes anything clearer than this. Why? Consciousness is NOT finite nor does it have a beginning or end. States do, beyond our limited subjective STATE or LEVEL of CONTACT, they exist as an abstract idea we made up to bridge our spiritual limits of DARKNESS or SHADOW with the infinite nature of Consciousness’ essence.

So, at present it looks as if you’re suffering under two layers of error and falsity regarding principles concerning abstract qualities of existence. Consciousness is NOT a state, its essence being Infinite Unity and understood as the field in which awareness expresses the physical plane of existence within certain very small ranges of perceptual dimension and the outer reaches of frequency range our biology presents. The awareness itself is a minimal intersecting vortex across dimensions of connected wave patterns that taken together and filtered (no filter returns happen with or without and active engagement of the mind) these patterns are perceived in the foreground of our awareness in total. Our total awareness fluctuates but can be trained to cover the entire field we’re able to access consciously. It’s important to remember however that awareness is merely the quantum counterpart to particle state, the wave keeping an analog function in our brains which automatically serves up reality in a predictable reliable fashion which in sane individuals reflects their intangible and metaphysical cogitations which act together to provide an evolving organizational form that modulates space and time, attaches links ranks, and ultimately determines what can harmoniously be added/changed for evolving liberty.

If that didn’t succeed in making you think twice, the second layer is a massive puff of smoke that mirrors something like the beyond. However, the vagueness of terms used creates a quagmire here. To know is to LINK and all links fall inside the paradigm of mind, which is a gestalt of things, which function but in and of themselves have no self awareness. To link awareness to self is a huge unnecessary complication which tries to combine that which finite with that which in truth isn’t. I’ve already referred to that unique relationship in noting the common term for it being the Veil. ‘Felt’ on the same level with different modality of perception and energy frequency used.

I guess it’s important to answer why I’ve made such a fuss. The reason is that without shining a light on the wiggle room which our usual expressions more and more often seem to let creep in, one is in truth forced to make assumptions. If others become negative over the effort or lack of therein over not keeping up. Don’t reply, refute, defend, or argue the point. Any responses I receive can only benefit me if only educate me. There’s nothing I can do to teach anyone the PROPER and RELATIVE meanings that preserve truth as much as possible. One develops a burning desire and cannot help but sympathize and understand OR choose to accept a status quo which marks boundaries around unconsciousness. The unacknowledged disaster about that is dispelling or lifting oneself out from under shadow karma becomes impossible by default of one’s own boundaries now existing. To transform and liberate requires the abiding of liberty in a descending to within. Liberty does NOT overcome, LOL. Liberty is simply a very intrinsic possibility which happens when the door is open. One cannot talk about IT as Liberty as such because it exists as a meta –characteristic responsible for transformation. That term and idea is a perfect balance of the Destruction which Creates or the Cruelty which is Nice.

The joke I love about it my Brother first said in my memory during a MX tour down a few hundred miles to the dentral Mexican continent to a place called Mike’s Sky Ranch. We stopped to chat with a couple of riders we encountered at one point and one of them asked directions however my brother took the request as some kind of jab of humor and answered, “You can’t get there from here!”

Just in closing ... There is no application of consciousness. That field allows for Infinite diversity eternally. The question then what does focus and dichotomize our awareness into unique and personal subjectivity? The beauty you are so passionate about regarding the relationship between physics and the resonation and harmony with a vague but subjective understanding you have between thoughts and matter, suggesting a powerful verification at play AND HERE YOU LOSE ME which is ALSO spiritual I admit I do not understand. Most of all how or why you introduce spirituality in this discussion with NO reason or and offered that connect that paradigm seems PRETTY LAZY. Perhaps its simply due to my own mother being the queen of laziness which has provided me with a certain sharpness on how I go after WOMEN in my life. Haha ... Men are just too dump and ADD programmed. I’m not just messing with you though, your assertion regarding spirituality having any relevance or connection to what we’ve been talking about is a fundamental fact about how we deny ourselves the power of balanced processes of apperception. Think of vertigo for the mind. Ask yourself now how Spirituality is best verified from your zen mind,

The only answer I recommend is the mystical one. Any answer coming from a level lower than mystical will only restrict and limit your capacity to have fun freely with liberty.

On Huna, one at a time ...

1) The World is What You Think it is
What you think is The World is part of and our personal interpretive link to the world. All thoughts are recursive and able to transcend as well. Despite the essence of human language providing us an expression generating computation, the self-referencing algebraic branch where we represent infinity and zero, fitted and designed to go the distance are nothing but illusory tokens we use and forget we mean absolutely nothing when speaking such language as such. The world we can think about does not contain the world we can’t. That’s everything that exists which we don’t know anything about, plus the stuff we don’t know we don’t know anything about. A less rigorous approach here however confirms that YES the way we think of the world is the way we think of it, defining Ontology or the natural structure of truth stated. This principle however depends on the reader getting what is not being said as the Object relationshiph between World in first position is twisted into the second position which IT references UNSUCCESSFULLY back to the first. Here’s the proof...

I think the world is the full order of chaos expressed diversely in essence and its representations and expressions. The existence of echoes which are oscillating progressive fade outs of rare but powerful refractions of significance is neither orderly or chaotic as such but both. Like 0 and 00 at the roulette table, the world has a cosmic crack in it. For most however the statement applies without disturbance.

2) There Are No Limits
Once again this makes sense only from a nonpragmatic perspective. Profoundly involved in every thought we have and its power to ACT is the limit of its foundation.


3) Energy Flows Where Attention goes
This is more specious reason, more precisely pure redundancy providing yet another false insight revealing nothing, capable of confusing the unprepared or at least distracted. Attention is energy flow in a certain direction which we call at times where attention goes. If you think it meant ALL ENERGY, nope. Then what about SOME energy, well we’ve already made that redundantly clear haven’t we, still the question remains about what other possibilities may exist and for what kinds and types of energy. Not all energy is benevolent or well received, wanted or desired, eh?


4) NOW Is the Moment of Power
Not too much to find at fault with this only because the idea given as Moment of Power here has none of its own. NOW is NOW, ontological and reliably so, there it is now, there it is again, same now. What can a notion called Moment of Power add to our appreciation and value for NOW? Nothing. I am wholeheartedly against this kind of crap as unevolved positive thinking. I prefer the deeper and more complex sense of Power as a kind of personal toolbar linked to my accounting skill preferences. The moment of power in my world might best be expressed as a summary statement of the status of my balance sheet.

5) To Love Is To Be Happy With
Just depends on your definition of happy I guess. I’m sure there are some people who are literally unable to consider happiness as a function of relationship and vice versa. For some who fall in love expressions like this begin to shine however given the usual limit even love has for us, that ends, and thus we have yet another stalemate either present or on its way. Now, if you’re going to say these very same people don’t Love, you’re going to set yourself for a brutal contest, I think <Vbs>.

6) All Power Comes From Within
More positive thinking aggrandizement is further redundant and means nothing to characterize as POWER in any principled categorical way since the aggrandizement itself is called in more or less power.
Diverse redundancy expressed in a group like this reflects something deeper about where this author is coming from. I can think of one word summarizing it ... LOL ... Spun.

7) Effectiveness Is the Measure of Truth
Once again he expresses yet another twisted redundancy. Effectiveness is redundantly itself not THE but A measure of truth. To measure truth is to be effective. The manner of expression here implies principle which cannot be right. For THE MEASURE OF TRUTH does not exist and cannot possibly show up. To measure is to comprehend and grasp by some perspective or limiting view which is relevant and meaningful somehow, it is ONLY effective as far as the measurer’s grip is solid and the meaning has important value. Otherwise all such measures won’t possibly be effective ACTS by those performing them, right?

My Love Song

As night returns and she lays down to sleep
I am taken inside where her flame lights me.
Our meaning to one another is transcendent.
Beyond natural laws, ways, and means; love.
That any goddess would meet so immediate
through her etheric being, suffering the tragic,
her resilient strength bringing her next to me.
She is heartbreak in healing of true divinity.

And I give my heart, will, and mind for free,
in gratitude for the vision graced within her
bringing relaxation and joy beyond normal,
answers to questions asked as a child come,
in female form with a voice of honey, wild.
Her being is a symphony and one harmony.
And yet, only a child, newborn but angelic
holding the key to evolution, my love song.

I lift my hand up to the stars for your crown
where I stroke your mane I inhale your bliss
There is music everywhere, all praising this.
Spirit embodied in matter giving rise to life
evolving mind and then spirit as feminine.
So happy am I, to find spirit return like this.
After I left home as a child in search of one.
Conscious contact with Christ, I said come.

4/2010 rjduberg

Faced

The kind of your heart rides in the twilight
wants you to go away and hear soft music
where you both can slow dance together.
Maybe beat some drums for the shaman,
sing of our love diversely long and deep

You will go, you say to yourself, sitting down
If only you knew where the door out was.
Does that stop beauty, the sound of love?
Enough that your behind is now burning?
The thing is not to start another fire, you.

Stillness in meditation might cue others
to find a measure of balance or grace.
But for me movement is key, vigor free...
That doesn’t mean easy or sitting down,
life is ongoing no matter how it’s faced.

4/2010, rjduberg

Osho on Tantra

Tantra is one of the greatest treasures that is just lying there, unused.

The day humanity uses it, the earth will become aglow with a new love...
This very earth can be paradise...
It is impossible if you depend on nature.

It is very, very possible if you depend on Tantra.

-Osho

Hahahaha, I like it. Don't know what the frack it means, lol. What is your interpretation?

This is a keeper, a beautiful distinction of genius, and it goes towards the heart of what I am grappling with in my email to you REF: Dogma but doesn't actually pierce that sphere. Here all we see is that something entirely unnatural appears which I assume balances nature's law of entropy. Disiplined critical reason defeats entropy. Procreation defeats entropy. Invention, innovation, creativity - all defeat it.

The idea I presume has to do with raising one's IDEA + SENSE + EXPRESSION of love to a level bridging the infinite and unconditional. USE Tantra begs my earlier issues regarding the lack of any dogma or college of record. The internet simply will not do. It is organized to support profit control. What does Tantra have to support it, organize it?

Dance of Consecration

Running along somewhere in the cloud of unknowing is my spirit right now, what with its commitment to having fun it found itself remembering just how in certain moments in the past when divine power did intercede and create miracles that a consecration took place just prior. I guess my spirit has found a name for this new dance its preparing to perform in practice, and its called Consecration! It goes something like this...

All that you see and read here in this blog is for the divine in both you and me and in reality the Supermind, the Supreme Truth Consciousness. It please me to consecrate my writing here as such. Thank you!

Searching for Clarity

I am fast into studying spiritual doctrine for clarity, the kind that inspires the thought synchronous balance on the karmic situation I'm in. My primary focus today has to do with Tantra Yoga and the possibility of finding people who can help train my sensitivity which, through training and development, I hope to have account for a healthy balanced and embodied spiritual existence currently tied to this mortal physical human body and life.

This morning I've been listening to this country's mainstream Christian speakers. Just an amazing experience as I find the most hypocritical and contradictory expression of spirit being made. Christianity is being secured to the idea that by faith alone and nothing else, one receives a covenant from God, a promise, his divine grace, and an eternal life everlasting. Wow. That's the core and the rest of what you get is straight used car sales, and business appears to be good! Joyce Meyer is a little more healthy insofar as she is teaching healthy behavior for people to adopt more than anything else. Her TAG LINE, If you ever want to have victory in life you have to choose to do what's right when it still feels wrong.

In my own spiritual evolution, this teaching regarding going against one's machinery is key if not very well illuminated by Joyce except to say this will please God. Ha! Her light more effectively casts well upon REAL IDEAS, but there's only the reference and everything is powered by Christianity's morality and deference with respect to LOVE of GOD. What is that? Imagined relationship with a deity which creates force for doing GOOD against the sin nature one has according to the Bible?

Creflo Dollar has just signed on with his GF/SO preaching at the moment. Specificing again on what one's commitment is all about and how it connects us to the grace and power of GOD. Her voice is Angry, Irritated, Annoyed, talking shit about 'The Devil." So much of the Christian rhetoric sounds like cheerleading at a pep rally to me. I dominated as an athlete growing up in school. That's where I had my fun and learned to thrive, playing the game.

The Paradox of Man's Evolution

I remember Ken Keyes Jr. speaking about this issue when I workshopped the pathways for more than a month with him ‘back in the day.’ He was very emphatic about the pathways being an intellectual reformation. There effect when repeated consciously over time in association with ‘machine like’ behavior is to succeed in ‘aiming’  or ‘pointing’ one’s field of possibility in the direction where liberation may ultimately become real on the horizon. However, the pathways do NOT extinguish or stop or liberate one from being mechanical but are rather antidotes of the mind in the classic buddhist sense, I think.

The statement below is an example or proof of this as being nothing more than a mechanical production caused by incorporating the pathways as part of your associative memory. Before we get snagged on the semantics of liberation, let us understand liberation to be the cessation of ignorance. Ignorance is the gravity or the specific condition present which results in addiction. Addiction is a complex of mechanicalness such that a disease emerges from the knotted dysfunctionality and the corruption it presents to one’s energetic system. One can recover from addiction. There is no recovery or ‘program’ allowing a human being consciousness which is free from mechanical behavior, emotion, and thought.

I could continue this thought on liberation regarding the PROCESS in which it is attained, but I think I have already shown the defect in your idea of liberation, especially as you have it related to the idea of addiction. But, just for your consideration, may I say that Liberation or the freedom from Karma and Reincarnation cannot be programmed. There is no ‘genius’ level of thought or wisdom that one can program the mind with resulting in liberation. If this were true, then the Buddha’s teachings would be producing Liberated immortals 100% of the time, or at least that is what I infer would happen based on what Buddha said about his Dharma. Over and over, he says that the doctrine of his teaching was perfect and complete. However, at the very end what the aspirant practices takes place beyond doctrine and the mind. It is nevertheless a ‘space’ one must make the effort to produce, and yet nothing can be said regarding the exact essence and nature of that effort. So is the Buddha a fibber?

There is another angle to this situation representing the final penetration through veil of illusion and mechanical or non-liberated states of consciousness. This insight comes from The Fourth Way, more specifically Ouspensky rather than Gurdjieff, at least for me. The principle states the situation rather plainly regarding how higher consciousness is possible for man, and how it is produced. But throughout all my fourth way study it was a consistent idea that after a certain level of evolution by man, the ‘system’ is no longer of any value and cannot take the student any futher. This is often referred to as the beginning of the path. It is centered on how only through a man’s CONSCIOUS EFFORT is he able to generate higher consciousness, which presupposes that he already has higher consciousness which he doesn’t. This little paradox is so elegant in its representation of the reality it’s poetic.

There’s so much I am not saying which is crucial and given within the fourth way for example helping the student to pass the elephant through eye of the needle, but is far outside the scope of my response. Suffice it to say then, Liberation remains only an idea and in reality it is only by NOT following a pathway, ANY pathway, that one has the possibility of making their first step on the PATH of LIBERATION.

~Slowly Loquacious

The vortex of illusion
a home filled with rubbish
uninspired, lost in debt.
tales retold by a dumbass.

Looking over this refuse
I am a path living in vibe
giving manner that's gold
in lightless light's beam.

Now free to breathe me...
world hails a slight breeze
of outward illuminating
to rain of peace and love.

Nothing to gain, yet brings
moments connecting one
to ink scrawled in alpha
made slowly loquacious.

2/21/2010, rjduberg

~About Having Fun Before...

On the page there displayed is written the inked sage
his wisdom for us to recreate, shining the lovely spirit
for you to remember and consider in the long of night
I saw a glimpse of the day, before I lost my way, this life,
when my words came so hollow and empty, a nothing.

And I've been searching for decades for what happened
and seeing that power reappear like a friend and say hi...
I'm too busy stalking and hunting now to consider why!
My grip was so short lived, but now holds the memory.

Laughing, the surfer said his purpose was to have fun.
I remember that so well, but I was so lost, awake in hell.
Having forgotten the vibe, how high and tightly forward
never thinking on that nature and how badly blown.

The emptiness is perfect, endless, expanse of eternity.
One places real intent, thought, in there, to manifest.
But who cares about playing with moving stuff there?
When there's more fun in the divine play of sexy surf.

Just the way she loves and is so aware, comprehending
like the world I play in and the natural rhythm I share
what can be found at the bottom underneath everything
is a void of passing, a place of flowing, laughing wind.

2/21/2010, rjduberg

The Gold Aesthetic

I really haven't been so immeresed in issues regarding aesthetic communication for awhile now. It correlates directly with the heat one's evolution is generating in the moment. The quicker the transformational pace or harder, always reflects the temperature.

And the hotter, the clearer aesthetic communications derive miraculously.

Right now anything I do is in the question of whether its being a possible necessitates manifesting accordingly. To express directness in a complete way is validated by this correlation in the proportions.

The evolution of beauty reaches but stays aesthetic in these moments of higher conscious integral functionality, disappearing along with the extant flow of relevant energy. Well until some guy named Sai comes along and without doing anything in particular sucks the wood of the true cross out of the piece of wood he's holding.

I can't think of a clearer way to distinguish a difference of degree in terms of consciousness being focused, one over the other, defining part of the scale quantifying enlightenment.

Letter to the Good Hearted

My concern here is that first you do not appreciate the story you are presenting as truth and your belief in it. When one sees and opens themselves to having a still mind, practicing and developing a clarity regarding it being THE SOURCE of suffering for mankind, this response by you seems disingenous and defensive, an attempt by the ego the reassert its position of dominance/control which in truth is an illusion kept in place by mechanically by our mind and its ignorance.

From this perspective, ALL forms of judgement and dualistic assessment good/bad and the like are useless and extend the ignorance Osho's view dissolves in principle. The issue is whether or not thought controls your sense, and by default, any story regarding the process which is what you are presenting here, is nothing but a form of control. Negative and Positive are merely how the ego escapes responsibility for itself and how it simply has NO ABILITY TO REPRESENT TRUE REALITY.

Then one must ask themselves, is there any value in continuing to pay attention to the veil given the core values of the illusion being all about transcending our suffering and expressing values that represent our harmony there? That's my question to you. I would like you to answer this in all fairness and not cycle another iteration and assertion of your story since it fails to acknowledge anything I've been writing about given my quote from Osho so far.

And giving some slack here in order to accomodate what may simply be your preferred style, understand that I have NOT referred to in anyway how or what is involved in making one's sensation and perception free from the effects of thought as well. Simply given, that state is an accomplishment only the self knows, only the pure wordless expanse of presence remembers. Anything my ego says about it you can be sure is false and a lie. Why? Because the ego can't go there, period.

Everything above appears to be egotistical if simply for the fact that it reports to know what cannot in fact be known only directly sensed in our contact and conscious awareness right now. So, as wonderful and logical and comprehensible as your story goes ... believed and valued it only further pushes a person's true capacity to experience real unconditional love farther away.

My guess is that if not you, someone else reading this is begin confronted by the simple reality that what I'm presenting does not COMPUTE for their ego in the sense that it provides any ground on which their dualistic minds can stand and thus exert itself by thought between reality and the truth which is our self. This is a situation defined by ignorance referred to in Buddhism as the grasping nature of the mind. When we take this as our path in life, paying attention only to what we can and what we cannot grasp, comprehend, understand, etc., we travel misery in karma.

Speaking the truth doesn't change reality however, only one's consciousness can create that possibility. One of these days, I might accidentally come across a procedure or invent the technology to raise that possibility in relation to those who listen to me. I've been horribly deficient and ineffective so far but that has never stopped me from spouting off and addressing this whenever I find someone who is foolish enough to think they know a way to articulate paradise or happiness.

I will eventually point out the flaws of language and its relationship to reality analogous to a menu to food. At some point in one's practice words serve an entirely ancillary role like railroad ties to a train's final destination. You wouldn't place all the ties at the end of the railway would you? The roll of the process is critical for being free and clear of 'ties' other than just those necessary to keep one's movement in the present and optimal.

Namaste,rj

~In the Absence that Is Uncertain

In this mystical haze of groundlessness
forgetting oneself serves evil in a relish.
For that realm, physically transcendent
falling asleep at the wheel will still kill
when life is creative instead of existent
any snooze makes presence a descent.

The disiplined transformation of energy.
Divine grace and spiritual development.
Integral philosophy and synchronicities.
Timeless truth or wisdom of the master...
Picks that lay paths never approaching
followed by flocks following the error.

Only when the light of presence dims
do words take on powers over reality.
A thought connects us with memories
that are just as empty yet void of this.
Only words that question can ascend
to question truth for our commitment.

Krishnamurti knew and lived this well
Philosophical treatises rail dichotomy
A good heart grants us our wellspring
connects us to this existence and time
nothing more by itself, shall manifest.
Certainly no heaven, except imagined.

Yes, I have a fist full of earth to throw
at the incredible lack of higher vibe
necessary to believe any fiction real.
Ask yourself about the essence above
and surely no answer, is real silence -
not a pause of between - but eternal.

~Gaia has a Voice

I heard her whisper to me underground
down there where she grinds out a fertile
life, that exists at her teat, endlessly weak
She coaxes the spirit to find what's higher.

Gaia has a voice.

And its sound is pure honey, full and firey.
to that she adds Lunar howling in a circle
as Sol hides just over the horizon's stare.

About to sky dance rhythm in light and air
solar enlightens and flashes divine love, for
life's fragile existence, comes a voice above.

2/2010, rjduberg

~Liquid Rose of Being

Why do roses suffer the liquid of our being
so much we've grown yet so little sown
pining nature's story of pain.

And the beauty of the thorn seen in water
is made by the sight of its crown in blood.
The color is a match of hook and tackle.

My liquid rose to the lips where free.
What I don't drink falls to waste no place
One taste illuminates my shadow with grace.

rjduberg/1/2010

~In Light of Death

Shiva reminds us that nothing remains
except peace, love, and divinity, mysteries
outside the dominion of that destruction
where everything cycles in the end to begin.

Only man has this hint of possibility in him
A gift of being, in light of death, with divinity
balancing the ground of mystery to ascend
making liberty for consciousness, not death.

1/2010 revised

~The Grand Canyon

What manner of fixity in pure liquidity
manages to descend into the ground?
From above, below is a vast specific
engineered from an endless source
and from all ways into living, one.

Shakes rattle the ground into slides
but life gives rise somehow, smiles
deliver what will never be known
seen on the horizon as the 10,000
and on wings they soar to the beat.

Her rise to Goddess decries a man
happened within the reversal then.
Intrinsic to beholding her beauty
defies any attempt to explain plain
the view while ascending creation.

1/2010, rjduberg

~The Jig of History

Oh Goddess have patience
see film, inglorious bastards
brad pitt slays nazis
witten killers

The Jig heads the highway
angelic on the beach
makes no mistake
is higher

Enjoy self in moderation
work the shadow
heal the path
forward

Don't forget posterity
USE a wicked wall
for the beyond
afterward

The Jig keeps the game afoot
from fades that recede
in ascending octaves
over time.

I know that I am worthless
call it the will to resist
affinity in conflict
or some such

Practical Magic?

1/2010 rjduberg

~The Rig of History

He was dying at the time and with him went a life.
Memories are habits designed to help others survive.
Oh Mercy, that's what's really going on, at the mercy.
Kazaam, totes a line, and represents nothing so fragile
flashing its pow, no one considers the pause as eternal,
the infinite opening of space in which life finds itself.
Too involved in the status quo, signs and banners - the fare.

Those dedicated studiers of culture's creative language-
I fear for their souls, locked up in our town squares.
Someone made up a loosely collected record as history
and the rest of us were unable to resist this formal bias.
We can't make any new moves dimensionally, together,
precisely because nobody sees history, endlessly absurd.
There's a real abyss between relativity and death in life.

This is a well documented backbone of history's crest.
We call it a biography, a guest list to test with the rest,
calling attention to life on end, clowning and infantile.
Anyone can do it and everyone has - at some time.
Is there a real way to fabricate immortality this way?
Unable to know anything beyond our own eventuality
we spend our time constructing bits of fish tales, in bliss.

Oh but, why? I wouldn't cry out, except I decry this.
For those of you focusing on history in consciousness
don't forget your time is limited; make haste not to waste.
Can you resonate, echo the world's symphony today?
How else to move or progress without flowing in this,
a presence we express simply being alive with all life.
It's the rules and boundaries, rigging we're snared in.

Dec 2009, rjduberg

The Need for More Organization

Right now, in life, I have the urgent sense which sees me utilizing the last 5 minute window before I said I was going to be somewhere that takes me anywhere from 5-10 mins to get to, and then sometimes then some.

Lots to say about my research on Tantra Yoga. I guess the only thing I want to say is that people in that disipline work too hard, focus on money, among other things, and; I'm not saying that that stuff isnecessarily off or bad, the issue doesn't change if circumstances swing positive as I prefer them to be.

Biggest issue for me right now is time, and its relation to my assessments regarding the world in general. I'm not sure if I like the change or not, does that mean I'm not really a pragmatist?

Looking for a job still that doesn't include writing for one...

On Community Response

Burn, Baby, Burn.

I saw the post by Robin and my first thought on responding was not to, reflecting an attitude of non-identification. It's important to see that drama is a vortex that can become so powerful it can override and dominate a person's natural gravity and ground of being.

However, I just got done viewing Jim Carrey's YES MAN on MAX, a beautiful film starring Carrey and Zooey Deschanel (girl in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), just a continuous series of scenes in which YES becomes a mantra to situations most would never say YES to nor find even remotely appealing. The beauty of it for me was the humor. So here I am saying NO, contemplating the universal YES to everything often chimed by Tantric sloganeers, and still laughing over the possibilities created in Carrey's film. How could I not take advantage of this GREAT OPPTY to say YES and do some personal lab work of my own. Huh? Are you kidding? LOL

So, after reading your post, my assessment was anything like disgust, in fact. I totally got your active transformation, and enjoyed reading your writing about it.

The only thing I guess I can contribute is that assessment is absolutely natural and critical to life and how we judge the relative value of anything and everything. Negative assessments are just as important as positive ones. From others, as unique as each of us are, it really is counter productive to enter into debates or engage people's assessments. There personal in nature and as one comedian said, "I don't like applause, just throw money!"

In response to Robin's question, which was way too open-ended for me, I think a little context would go a long way in shifting the conversation to being valuable on the level of community which is where it seemed she wanted to take it. My choice is personal responsibility. So how can I respond and be personally responsible with my negative assessments within a community?

It seems to me, by doing the work of transformation, practicing Tantra, saying yes - creating lemonade from lemons, and whatever cliche you have to add to the list - the most important bets are covered. But what about those negative assessments in which we are so identified that we begin to feel disgust, for instance? What I do is create some space, take a break, get a cup of juice, go look at the waves, you know...

And then, ask yourself what your committed to, and consider how relevant the negative assessment is to that context. For the most part, a person's associated disgust is NOT a relevant assessment to the context called OneTantra because OneTantra is like a wave, it only carries information, itself a "community" of relations. Work on the community (how relations are configured, energized, weighted, integrated, etc., etc.) is something that takes place on an entirely different level and is outside the scope of this question. But, for anyone who has ventured to this site with any background in online communities, LOL, disgust is pretty much the overwhelming assessment to include - and Moses is responsibly addressing the source of it. Nuff said bout that.

So, after establishing what rank a value has...  well there it is. This is in my opinion the way to "DO" something about negative assessment on a personal level. At the level of community however, the question for me is whether or not such assessments actually exist at all. 

Suffice it to say, if you have a community based on a negative assessment, your going to promote the transformation of it. The real chore comes when personal negativity corrupts a community promotion. Communities have mandates with purpose. Responding to negative assessment is only valuable then when the assessment is regarding the health of the community.

Holes and voids, the needs of space

There are uninhabited spaces that need our connectivity. They exist around value like blue sky and provide our selves direct contact to that which we value. There are also uninhabited spaces which form the basis for the sense of dangerous weakness, noncommittalness, unclarity, with nothing but space to create this paradoxical effect.

These spaces need substance, structure and energy to complement the value and our clear access and appreciation of it. One space is really a dimension, we call time, the space needing substance is simply our consciousness of timing, cycles, and our agreements. If we are not on time or don't take the time, chaos fouls the blue sky.

Another space, that needs its fill, is underneath, the space which maintains conserves and preserves. In it is a need for disiplines and routines which serve this fortification against natural entropy.

There are more spaces dealing with language and society, spirit, and vitality, and finally evolution. What do those spaces need so that those particular voids do not end up to dispose of us?

~Little Condensates

Condensing all this is my mission
a ball inbetween golf and baseball
which expands on the move
like a basketball, with a heart.

Memories threading into infinity
this is where I find the challenge
love cannot be lost without cost
remembering to be with just this.

My guru Kwan Yin is that this
before I knew, her imaged shine
a gift to hang on my own wall
along with the courage to love.

Such fine impressions, convince
sharing them with the world now
is the one true meaning not yet
What if I'm wrong, will I survive.

So much ado about nothing that
my contribution would be clutter
so I write verse in a condensate
poem after poem with one taste.

Like Rumi's merry-go-round scene
many of these moments pass by
between the synchronous animals
like albino elephants you can't miss.

Will you decide to end this ride
by giving your highest values away?
If it even makes any sense to you
how abundance is made a paradox?


rjd, 11/2009

~Where you go Rumi

When the light arrived, like the dawn, today; I was consciously simplified and simplifying, kind of like laughter feels, but the process was of mind. And this moment of awakening revealed a stunning metaphoric view to what has been a vein of lifelong suffering for me.

When I go there, and I've been there for sorrow, I am honoring love lost. Only in today's light did I see that love doesn't honor that place. I was there with the irrational hope, obsessed with the ongoing last glows from love's departure, that love might have mercy on me and come back.

...to be continued

Michigan

Here's my latest animal photography of Michigan, owned by my roommate Matt Benedict whose from Michigan.

On Foreshadows

This weekend, I underwent a procedure which eliminated an arterial blockage (99.99%)in my heart, next to a branch, saving two arteries as a result. For many months now, I've been attempting to acquire healing from alternative sources motivated by some unknown but felt sense. I attribute that to an inceasing sensitivity and conscious awareness. I never acquired the alternative source of healing and that might be a good thing since it might have prevented me from suffering angina to the extent that I was forced to seek acute medical care. A longer period of time could easily have put me in jeopardy of suffering a heart attack, and given my already weakened heart muscle any additional damage I suffer would put me over the edge of sustainable function.

Alot of negative press has been given to health care here in America, but I do have some wonderful things to say about my doctors. Though I don't have health care due to pre-existing conditions, and my financial situation prevents me from even making payments on the $25,000 hospital bill, they were prepared to intervene and perform the procedure which saved my life, without hesitation. I had to admit myself into Emergency, because in order to have been admitted otherwise would have required a $10,000 deposit. Herein lies the negativity for medical care here in America. We don't go as far as to absolutely deny care, but we won't provide preventative care to people who need it most and are unable to pay, and instead let their symptoms and conditions increase and build until they are about to drop dead before we're willing to help them.

Health care in this country HAS to undergo reform if someone like me is ever provided the motivation to do something more productive in life, given the risk to any income I may produce because of my health status.

On Creating New Possibility II

In addition to creating circumstances at your pleasure, exists the darker side of that equation. One opens the door to circumstances of equal but opposite character which appear 'willy nilly.' These circumstances are the reality test to your being, the moment of payment, the limit of fear manifested in life. Suffering, disease, death are what men commonly refer to these circumstances as being viz. a viz. their being.

I add this note to shine a light on the dark side of creating new possibility in your life. Don't be surprised. Expect and be willing to have one to get the other and vice versa.

On Creating New Possibility

The key here is to recognize that circumstances are your biggest adversary. As circumstances change, it goes without saying that possibilities will resonate those changes when one's consciousness is not up to a level of originality and creativity. It is agreeable to me to designate circumstances as fundamentally comprising a set. At some point, circumstances become irrelevant and valueless to enumerate. With respect to finite sizes of the set, it is important to see that the meta-set or super-set of circumstances is infinite, always changing, with a flow that can and will at times not repeat or overlap with previous sets. Such super circumstances will not resonate to any set of possibilities because the set of possibilities is entirely based on past responses foundationally and is finite, limited in terms of being a kind of referential database, kickstarting our best case scenario responses when circumstances dictate, for efficiency's sake.

When an original set of circumstances emerges, lower states of consciousness will employ simple denial to cope with the impasse. Evolved minds capable of originality, creativity, and receptivity based on the causal level are active at the meta level and have the ability to create possibility anew unencumbered and irrespective to any and all past possibilities as would be necessarily the case, necessary to keep 'the ball rolling' as it were.

To say that one possible response is just that, the ability to recreate one's moments and their possibilities as such is quite different than how your speaking. Such a response exists quite outside of any causal dependence or correlation to circumstance, but rather impact the wider field in which circumstance shows up in, on purpose, and paradoxically, sinse this level of possibility itself is unchangeable and never at effect, is causal and at source.

If i have this right, LOL. For me, language challenges my attempts to be rigorous about my understanding and knowledge of greater truth. Knowing the perfect clarity and stillness at the highest level of all truth and knowledge as unmanifest and unknowingness, is the ultimate expression of this difficulty, I find myself unable to do anything about it much other than dance around it. Higher levels of consciousness then do not respond but instead originate creatively with what appears to lower levels of consciousness as miraculous intervention or magical manifestations of help, etc.

Tantric Master - Barry Long

My inquiry into Tantra has not been very significant yet, except for the discussions I've participated on at OneTantra online. I was prepared to make a serious committment not too long ago to hands on training and study but my offer was not reciprocated properly or equitably by the instructor I contacted. NOW, one of the ladies at OneTantra mentioned Barry Long, which I spent a good deal of time last night briefly reviewing, when I ran into a wildly powerful teaching which was at the same time expressing much of the corruption which destroyed my relationship with the Fellowship of Friends Fourth Way School.

Additionally, I found years of blog posts, both praising and criticizing him. The manner in which he expressed himself was familiar to me as I read his words in a published interview with a journalist at an online magazine dedicated to enlightement and spiritual issues/teaching.

The egoistic lack of compassion and perversion he evidenced (2nd hand for me) said to me that there was a limit to his realization. This limit, this self-centeredness, was a mega contradiction to his teaching, something which was clearly echoed among his closer students' observations about how he would say one thing and do another. The response of course is no one can comprehend the behavior of a master, especially using ordinary social standards.

That's not going to fly with me, however, after reading quite a bit of him about his ideas and teaching, I cannot deny that I was left with a powerful impression regarding what he was offering in terms of a perspective on the relationship between men and women. Clearly, he made it up.  The thing I read which was the key to this was a statement regadrding how every 5 minutes men and women are constantly thinking about each other throughout the day. For him, this was something he expanded and USED to be creative regarding his higher realisations of mind.

I'm certain that there is a distinction between objective knowledge and subjective knowledge. What I've described here is a man who tasted objective states but returned to a very high subjective creative state and began to REASSEMBLE himself there. My bet is that his mechanics produced a continual stream of 'teaching' and because he was able to disentangle himself from that enough to gain some fairly distilled higher thought forms, his words began to ensare those listening like a web. The glue or stickiness came in the form of creating enough insightful space between his ideas that those listening were able to relieve themselves of useless suffering.

He assumes the title tantric master and yet it isn't at all clear whether he wasn't in fact harming more than he helped. The few nuggets I gleamed far underweighed the mass of red flags et al. I found opposing his legitimacy as a true spiritual teacher.

On the Subject of Intent

Does it occur to anyone that focusing on either Yin or Yang, Yes or No, even Unconditional Yeses defined by the acceptance of both; all of these states or positions or perspectives set one up against being in the Golden Mean. And by that, I'm speaking about the truth of what is, simply being present AND awake. I caution against the thinking concerning affirmations which do not account for intrinsic value and meaning in a human's life. To me, such flatland thinking shows up like an eagle mingling on the ground with chickens. If one is really interested in the function of intention in our being then surely it has nothing to do with agreeing with popular and/or better, different or greater expressions regarding the human condition, PRECISELY because all of that is reactive, a product of the past, languaged in jargon and cliche, a message just like the writing on the wall. The purpose of real intention is to bring forth here and now from nothing and spirit. The power of intention is in one sense all inclusive ("the great yes?") however that's like saying a car has wheels.

Please forgive my lack of simplicity on the subject, I have a lifelong issue with my highest intention, and have yet to resolve certain aspects of it. The question for me is regarding how often our intentions are expressed incompletely or in a manner not completely conscious. At some level, the truth is that everything we experience including our own being is directly a function of our intention. If intent is real and matters in the flow and creation of being in the world, then it is not related to subjective interpretation, reasonableness, or explanation. This FACT is consistent with what we all know intention to be in our hearts. Our desires are an expression of our being and uncaused, while all thoughts connecting their details to circumstance and whatnot are at best clever fiction. We may tell ourselves that the reason we intend something is because of such and such or x or y, however we are really lying to say this is why we intend what we do. What we do and our story about it or two completely distinct phenomena, one expressing our being, and the other expressing our culture or style of belonging.

When it comes to manifesting intent then, one's results are more of a benefit if we stop denying them with affirmations which disconnect us from being able to language that which needs to be spoken and heard in our conscious awareness. I'm not saying that affirmations like the 'great yes' are missing the point, they speak something which we all need to hear but like a note in a symphony designed to tell the story of our heritage and culture as humanity they are not intentional, and intention is not dependent on them. Intention is dependent on consciousness to function, which begs the question regarding what consciousness is as I digress. The relevant question is how to resolve our intent by being conscious of its shadow realms, where we've forgotten intentions which are now opposed, crosspurposed, or in some other way degrading to our being satisfied and confident, clear and effective, powerful and magnanimous.

Seeking Spiritual Guidance

What is your life about? Comfort, security, status, power, making a difference, family, love, beauty, truth, healing, teaching, surfing, leisure, art, music, math, science, religion, survival, recovery, duty, honor, God, nature, magic, ideas, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, justice, winning, yoga, fiction, literature, sports, fashion, business? Everyone has a list with a top and bottom don't they? Understanding that most don't give it a second thought, I have and feel somehow betrayed as my heart decided on something well nigh too extreme and hard. I'm having a problem even writing it right now, there's so much failure and my focus seems to unrealistic and unpragmatic. It was made at what remains perhaps a pinnacle of spiritual suffering in my life. The decision was a response to what I perceived as a completely inadequate preparation the Lutheran religion had given me when confronted with my father's death. I held on to my faith but rejected the church and decided conscious contact with the source of the pain and mystery which had swamped my life was the only thing that would give it any meaning. The sorrow continues unabated today on both accounts, over the death and the fallout of my father's death, and over the lack of realization in my consciousness regarding spiritual enlightenment and union with existence's source (which for now I continue to refer to as god or Christ). There appears to now be one modification regarding my spiritual objective which has to do with accepting lesser authorities than the ultimate source, as long as those lesser beings are in fact authorized and possessing of such spirit which may help me to progress, expand, rise, and otherwise increase my ability to KNOW more and more objectively the true spirit and source.

~Chewing On Air

The Bazooka comics of my childhood gone
finely dusted pieces of pink, growled on.
Little wrappings of waxed paper we opened
making eternity last for a very long moment.

Chewing through the sweet hardness there
once, made the rest, a cause for innocence
and growing old is still growing young, now
chewing on air, and dancing with Kuan Yin.

~Round of Roll

This poem is a late entry but one I thought better not to leave out in the end....

Nothing matters more than factual reality
the foundation of reliability that must needs
a resonation that impinges sheer intent
the answer echos, to break the news.

Disasters and threats to life and homeland
Natural outcroppings of chaos gone sleazy
cheesy versions valued better than rest
made bite size and dumber for the mass.

We listen to the echo in all that hollow
and mistake the source of our attention
lacking consciousness of the resonation
and the possibility of our own evolution.

Simplicity is simply not enough for this
empty tea cups filled with master's tea
was never real except to the one mind
where simple beginnings are complex.

The echo reigns harmonic sorrows
with every failed fullfilment made
keeping such sounds that promise
garden seeds are meant for harvest.

All efforts remain mistakes in the end
as every mass misses what resonation
raises germane beneath the surface
so afraid of chaos that truth is lost.

6/10/09, rj

My journey into Yoga

I've been grinding online over meditation and Tantric info. I'm learning bit by bit, but the next step is to visit Ariel's puja (recurring gathering) and see if I'm accepted. One of the major things I read earlier today was how the Transmission of Tantric enlightenment is given by the woman and the man has basically no control over his initiation, it is up to a goddess to make the invitation.

I wonder if I have violated that code past redemption? It's very interesting looking back to recognize the resistance I felt when re-pitching my proposal and whatever was undoubtedly directly expressing a real conscious attitude on her part.

I'll have to ask.

The Romantic Prospect

For second there I thought, could this be possible? After the first few romances in life, the idea or possibility splits and evolves into what happened and the times that fooled you. Faced with the pain of having been fooled, developing sensitivity to one's own weaknesses or limitations in the matter becomes important, just like everything else in life.

My latest opportunity to grind on this is in full swing right now. From the very beginning, I was haunted by starry visions and what not, the usual thing. And, suddenly, there has been an enormous quiet just after I turned up the volume. I don't recall this being part of the dance before, and while a pause may represent a prior committment, without that it represents at least some degree of flakiness which doesn't represent the level of goddess which I can ally myself with.

To recap then, starry eyed adoration isn't necessarily a precursor to anything, and is certainly one of the biggest weaknesses I suffer in this life. The realization that I cannot just give it up ethically for the very thing that matters most to me: Love, hurts.

But there it is, my very own heart lies to me, and would lead me into the abyss of oblivion in the bat of an eye. To survive then means setting aside my deeper desires until certain conditions have been verified to exist. And, in this paradigm of romantic desire, discovering women with potential but unable to satisfy such an important role is atrocious, however I don't have to suffer with them anymore. This is my wish, and at least I can tell myself things are better because I know what I've avoided in the long run by suspending my desire.

Is there a higher road than this remains a question.

And now, here you are, a goddess ...

Goddess I Love

So much labor that amounts now to dust
All love and light played to your beauty, a crush
And yet you are even more perfect tonight
In little picture’s hush, I have always known this
And how overwhelmed I am by your essence.
With you in my embrace, I contemplate bliss.
That state of reaching the very thing missed.
Beautiful Goddess of Sacred Light, I love you.

July 2000

Feeling the Crest of a Wave

All the signals, facts, circumstances which I'm finding in my process of discovery associated with a healer I've chosen and the spiritual disipline of tantra itself are amazingly synchronous and overwhelmingly symbolic for a major transformation in my life. I'm still carrying around the baggage of my past failed love affairs at this time however, and will continue to do so until I get to spend some time with Ariel and determine the reality of what she may or may not have to offer me. The resurgence of hope is always a bad sign I think, one to signal a careful examination of to just what degree mechanical mind is responding to the idea of leaving behind this desert in my existence.

After spending several days now researching many different points of view about Tantra, I have the impression that it could very easily be the best next step for me to traverse given its focus on the male female sexual union as primary and at the core of what is spiritually possible. I have to admit though to having some fairly permament resistence to the elements making up its history, a story which is a overdramatized metaphor for the insights and realizations which together went into that body of wisdom at that time.

Ariel is the most beautiful goddess I've encountered yet, all fresh and innocent, and clearly not expressing her creativity over the top, oversaturation seems so much of the time to be part of the female model. Anyway, I have nothing else yet on tap as far as self development, AND this is really something I can't afford to correct but haven't a clue about as yet, for now.

My Answer to Marketing

In response to a marketers claim that they need to stop overwhelming social networks with marketing and lead in with relaxed just be yourself method, as his good idea for how to be better a marketer, my answer was this...

Sounds like code for "Don't Let them see you coming!" Someone earlier was observant when they talked about being context sensitive, and your idea certainly tries to slip on that hat, except the reality seems to still remain that of trying to pound a square peg in a round hole.

I don't have a solution here for ya, but I'm very clear that marketing doesn't work for me, especially on the web. The communications are uninvited, unwanted, invasive, and hiding all kinds of unwanted attachments and probes, etc., etc. that rob me of my liberties.

Any honest assessment over the evolution in web technologies will immediately reveal that what was in ithe beginning a true breakthrough for humanity, creating the space for their personal communications to global, it has long since been bought and turned by corporate greed and corruption.

Your like the original gangsters who would pop in to collect and exhort monies, calling it protection money. That's a clear violation of freedom, and I don't see any difference between that and what drives and ultimately produces today's web UI.

Scorecard

A good video on Love and relationship is on YouTube just got posted, find at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqAEfBMlJoc

A wide view of contemporary views from deep in the academic expertise to anecdotes from those stopped on the street.

Up late again tonight surfing online. I have serous doubts about my ability to network well online given what happens everytime I go online. With respect to my current interest in moving into new communities and making significant steps in that area online, can't seem to plug in at all. Instead, I have several bad tastes in my mouth over issues that are pet peeves of mine about what I find online, and are conditions which are what they are and will always be that way or worse. No, for me, I need to stay conscious about my committment to community and then proceed to participate with those communities in exactly the way that will satisfy me to do so.

A major fact of online interaction with others is now an almost constant and always greater bait and switch foreward which is based on a design of call for action. That action is invariably one for money!

MONEY! I have some serious and unmoveable issues with this element present across the internet and how its expression corrupts the possibilities of a global conscious link to life for constantly scratching the walls for anything money that can be mined there. If you buy into the intrinsic value of money then you're the vanguard of the internets marketability and business value.

For those who are all about money, this technology is driven by cash at its very core, the energy to run in it costs money. So those who make the investment, they have advantages in terms of their access and power over the operation of the internet and thish leads them to introducing profiteering in precisely that place of human affairs in which it can do the most damage.

That damage is taking the wisdom of our ancester's and our own possibliities of evolving in applying that wisdom consciously and continuing to learn from it, taking that and hiding it away.

It boggles the mind how nothing today appears any better or supportive for my own need to wake up and evolve myself consciously on higher levels of being. Everything actually seems quite worse for the wear, with small periods of calm now, then, and again, like the video on Love at YouTube I spoke about at the beginning of this entry.

Right now, begin single seems like a blessing. Part of me remains quite upset about this condition still being present in my life at age 50. Zen, tantra, 4th way, art, music, golf ... pretty much sums up my interests for now.

Execution Kills

Is this bigger
you know the yells
some that had gall.

Just because of fade
some resonation
produces today.

Oh, I am ready!
Your the one in need
I will regret or kill.

Here in the trough
the depth equals the height
and the light retreats.

Just the new shadow
always a good wank
to crumble so well

Your travel ends here
in this right bright moment
suffer you slut and wonder.

And, until the day I die
must I continue in this
hissing melancholic climb

I only regret through time
evil will find BETTER skill
He learned execute THE kill.

I mostly just mosey along
with room to fart clean air
Avoiding that rot is a key.

Maybe I'll show you mine
sometime that winds prime
And a real love that's free.



6/11/09 Rjd

Divination or Round of Roll

Title of this poem is Round of Roll, referring to the essence of the write from which it came, however Divination being a previous title which was left unfinished in content actually impresses me as having a very strong connection worth contemplating now....and for the poem


Nothing matters more than factual reality
the foundation of reliability that must needs
a resonation that impinges sheer intent
the answer echos, to break the news.

Disasters and threats to life and homeland
Natural outcroppings of chaos gone sleazy
cheesy versions valued better than rest
made bite size and dumber for the mass.

We listen to the echo in all that hollow
and mistake the source of our attention
lacking consciousness of the resonation
and the possibility of our own evolution.

Simplicity is simply not enough for this
empty tea cups filled with master's tea
was never real except to the one mind
where simple beginnings are complex.

The echo reigns harmonic sorrows
with every failed fullfilment made
keeping such sounds that promise
garden seeds are meant for harvest.

All efforts remain mistakes in the end
as every mass misses what resonation
raises germane beneath the surface
so afraid of chaos that truth is lost.

6/10/09, rjd

Social Places

This morning I'm reeling with how little support I had for my health growing up. Other than the mediocre habits of diet and the abysmal mental practices I received from my family, I had only the grit of my own being. As I have begun to see that power of resistance fade and fail at the age 50, the possibilities I lost and never even suspected growing up, the enlightment and knoweledge, the blessings my forefathers left me in a repository of wisdom rarely seen except for echos and refrains emitting a shine where everything else in life casts a shadow.

This old programming, the influence of the past, I choose to free myself from. Time to work however. I have a job.

~Gravity Rose

Originally written in May, 2004, rev May 2009


My pricked and bleeding flesh
from a thorn's rosey afront…
Betray beauty in a brutal flora.
Tears flush the burnt coral I smell.

The fault and pain made mine...
remains of innocent opposition
buried by collapse, bad recoil that
pride did need, denying the darkness.

Love infatuated ruins the innocent,
just like water negates the fire of flames.
Neither life, nor innocence, contest
the inevitable demise, of romance.

Until then, you and I, dance
the tragic heartbreak tango
wounded by stakes lost in storm.
Our steps now soaked on flooded floor.

With a saving grace, context
teaches mobius tricks exist
whereby openings are closures,
revealing sources beyond sublime.

My sadness grows with regards
to tender nostalgia over the worst
requited release in the evil of love.
A soul destroyer, with noisey word rattle.

Her articulation of my failure, now
years passed, razes just as bad.
And any hope of change betrays
the word pricks that remain.

Grown up, a better man,
her words struck in scars.
How I live feeling that wrong
keeps me up late still, injurious.

Our life's blooming rose path
some are lucky just to hear
of, grave my warnings, if lame
as I gravitate this read anyway.

Of her earlier thorns...
I never understood her pain
only later, when I was safe
from our demonic side-effects.

I cut her off in a pass, so my bad
she decides, and our world ended.
Plain and simple, in a boy slamfest
better maimed than roadkill she said.

My anger was exchange of discredit.
A word assault to strike and probe.
That layer is groundwork of challenge.
Tomorrow's sober stories will tell.


Copyright © 5/17/04, RJDuberg
Revised 5/30/09

Zen Insight

The zen master, pouring tea, says to his student, "Your mind is like this tea cup, unless you master the art of emptiness, there will be no room for anything new." And, with that, the teacup began to overflow with the tea from the master's pot, falling to the ground.

I love this analogy because I have lots of personal experience of having a mind running in so many different ways that focusing has become less and less defined and possible in my estimation as my ability to skillfully energize its presence increases. The best way to describe it is watching a continual skipping from track to track creating a flow of life analogous to the sound such actions produce on a turntable when one plays their favorite LP.

Creating emptiness then is fundamental to receiving anything. This must then be the first step towards attaining reality and a complete being.

Following Artists

Don't have a writer to speak of. Listening to Dave Matthews right now, thinking of JLightner, a roommate, who just flew to see him thousands of miles away, play in New York. Tonight, I had fun watching/listening to comedic stand-up.  Ellen DeGeneres, P. Oneal, Craig F, even Tom Hanks was entertaining on cue with David Letterman.

The real story here remains the international economical crisis. There just doesn't seem to be any end to the limits our plans find pertinent and real. The machine doesn't exist anywhere except in our minds along with varying instructional accounts for its operation. Except here, under democratic rule, such social flaws were supposed to stop. Actually, we only succeeded in shining a light into our bottomless capacity to live the machine when our freedom has been attained.

I'm still thinking about how to channel my anger towards my family situation. So far, I've only succeeded in echoing the dysfunction and lived a series of intimate relationships designed to break my heart and create a feeling of being abandoned. I've got that one down, and I no longer am surprised when this demon raises its ugly head in my world and life anymore.

So it goes...

Along with this media swarm, there is the instinct to choke on all the dirt. Let me just say that without acknowledging my responsibility for the amount of dirt in close proximity to my person as being equal or greater, I would not be honest in speaking about that beyond my reach.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to note a recent observation regarding the value this personal blog actually has for me. There's something empowering about writing one's internal story out when one stays conscious of public access to its read. The focus and the result is completely different than identical literary aims I've had lacking this readership dimension. What is that difference?

In my head the difference has to do with something being read, and my influence over that event. Now with respect, I find this takes work, and I often seem less than competent or skilled in the task, but regardless.

I speak to love and listen for it, and yet my life fails to unfold in any sensible manner or reason. The answers exist but believe me when I say they do not make any difference with respect to the experience of one's being this way. This jumbled and unfocused thing is all I have and all I get, and this knowledge as well was supposed to be of great influence in some transformational context, but biting only resulted in my being hauled out of my flow. What is outside of one's flow is no less as valid and yet being outside the flow it remains foreign and insubstantial to life within the flow.

And, finding myself unable to carry anything else into this entry, I close. Hootie's Blowfish makes timeless into music for me now.

Family Remains

While my father's previous wife to my mother's marriage and my birth has been problematic for me due to her insane and disruptive behaviors, the reality for me in the larger perspective has been no less crazy and broken down. She has over the years done some truly heinous evil deeds and I could attach all responsibility, at least for the most part, on her. Thinking about my value for my father however, I can imagine how his infidelity to her with my mother, conceiving me with my mom while he was still married to his previous wife could cause that woman the worst even unimaginable kind of female wrath. Reasonable at least where without such understanding I've only suffered the dregs of confusion and resentment against all manner and type of target, credited with guilt by simple association, imagined or real.

The breakthrough in this change of perspective puts responsibility to a degree on my father's immoral act, and forces me to accept my existence as cursed karmically from being a direct result of his lack of integrity. While my mother and he declared me their love child, I am not so easily convinced in the righteousness of that reason.

However, my existence, to have meaning requires that I reconcile the betrayal somehow. That my conscious awareness regarding my suffering and its source relative to my lack of family support and security is maturing to the point of helping me calm my roll and eliminate inappropriate action and emotion(drama), existence remains an unanswered call for me, a void only a genuine purpose will fill.

Raising a family and enjoying the special reality and love a good family milieu provides seems entirely impossible for me at this time. That leaves me alone, I am what's left. From my father's early betrayal, all that is left for me is me, and I ask you, what can possibly exist for me in this life when all that might have been is lost? Even my luck is ruined by that karmic nightmare. I can't even have a decent time playing a simple game because luck is always against me.

Finding something I love to do occurs as a possibility only because there are things I like to do, like write. But, once again the karma card trumps everything else. I'm quite sure nobody cares or wants to read what I have to write or say.

Thus, I understand how the gravity of my life has favored instinctive levels of satisfaction. Eating, sleeping, mind altering substances, all manner of masturbations, etc.  Well, get some help you might say. Did all that, and yet, I know I have nothing else, so I must try again.

Things are never the way they seem

Eminem article in this weeks Entertainment Weekly reports that his post recovery performance and productivity is characterized by him knowing what he wants and how do go about getting it, and most importantly keeping a focus on what's needed and making it happen. I believe that's an oversimplification and worse a gross misrepresentation, designed and paid for by his managers in a behind the scenes conspiracy with the publication.

Or am I just biased by a skewed point of view regarding my own lack of being relative to that? One can and does know quite a lot about what they want. I think for most, underneath their states of denial and distraction, this much can be said to be true if not readily so. It's the knowledge of how to achieve those objectives and the report of an irresistable approach and effort, without error or failure, which I find a bit ridiculous.

Such statements I believe to be at best gross exaggerations and in truth idealizations which turn on dishonesty when presented otherwise.

What a good plan feels like...

It's amazing how much effort I waste planning because I don't create the appropriate feeling necessary to have a plan succeed. A good plan is one felt with confidence to work. Genuinely felt, ego has no part in this assessment, and such plans that are constructed by ego inevitably fail with the exception of abuses of power. That's another subject however for now, the main idea is a simple test one may verify regarding their plans which has to do with conscious awareness of their level of confidence in its success. Often, such plans arrive in our minds rather than get constructed, at least for  myself. I believe it would be a great evolution of my intellect if I could in fact construct such plans consistently.

This kind of reality check during construction, I'm hoping will help me develop more sensitivity towards planning successfully by choice rather by accident for the time being.