What do you do when you can't find the words to express what you're feeling? In the past, I've always relied on confidants or therapists to help me talk myself through to some resolution or better day. At least that was their purpose in my life. It remains unresolved for me whether this is effective or whether talking with people whose only real purpose is to "pretend"or "present" a particular listening for you or I, whether that doesn't just create another entirely different set of issues. I spent years taking advantage of the so called "help" and then a few years back I suddenly started avoiding them and closing their access.

Close or intimate relationship with another person though brings with it this form of communication however on a more genuine level and having been denied that recently (rejected may be the more appropriate term) has really impacted my balance and center, turning me even more introspective and a degree or more less confident and insecure. The genuine form of the intimate connection I'm talking about does express real value which forms something truly real and living in our hearts and souls as human beings.

Any upset or damage to bonds or relationships like that, I think have the potential of complete ruin and the disintegration of our "sense of self" or ego. The only real strategy for coping with this possibility is to diversify oneself as well as one can without stretching one's emotional being too thin and thus creating a whole other set of problems and breakdowns. And, surely for me, at this point in my life, forcing myself to focus on group support and group networking, socially speaking seems to be the best antidote and aid for keeping a more positive attitude and anticipation for the future.

Certainly, the axiom that nothing is as important in life than having positive anticipation for the future, remains intrinsically valid. Especially in a situation like this, when a person could go round and round trying to analyze the breakdown which is complete and past now. A very hard process to go through. I offer my sympathy and support for anyone who understands what I've shared out of having their own first hand experiences.

Yesterday from North Pier Imperial Beach, Hoorah!

Attempt to Articulate

In the deepest musical resonations
that matter to one, to me, to you
what exists there has always been
a dream, like you, then and now
a song that hurts with a longing.

For awhile, you seemed to speak
what I have felt as lost in sorrow
brought back with joy and love
in your magnificence I listened
only to realize tragedy progress.

Attempt to articulate this horror
finds no landing except blame
for there is nothing that expresses
that direct and in line with mine.
A confused attempt to articulate.

Feb 19, 2006, RJDuberg

My Beach Looking Like a Reef

Surfer in IB Sunset