Sending my love to Stephanie as well

Sweetheart... You bring such tears to my eyes. Today has been something of a little miracle insofar as I’m actually semi awake I guess. I’ve been down for so very long. Trying to catch up and you’re on this list and all I can do is sit here and cry. Do you know why? LOL ... They’re good, joyful tears of the best kind, but very, very wet, LOL.

The issue is romance, the subject women, the situation hopeless, ROFL. Back in the day there was you for a moment, wow. You continue to reign as one of most incredibly divine women I’ve ever been in contact heart to heart in my life. You are one of a very very very small number that I trust. And, that’s what these tears are about I guess. So smart, and so thoroughly female are you, unlike any I’ve ever known.

Like I said, today is like the first day in months I’ve had enough energy to even stay focused and awake. I hope you don’t mind my spending a few moments blubbering all over you like this, but be grateful for the sanitation of electronic communication or you would find yourself in this puddle I’m in, lol. Your advise to let it go, LOL, sometimes I forget how young you are, though your wisdom is ageless, time has done her best to restore you with some chance of success after all the loss. Which is just the way it should be as I see it because you were blessed to begin with. The rest of us are a little less karmically transparent.

See how I struggle even with the simplest and wisest of all sayings? Let it be? Are you nuts? LOL – True enough though, I think part of the reason I’m awake and quasi functional today has to do with doing exactly that, or at least focusing on other issues worth paying attention to in order not to let others suffer because of my negligence. So, thank you for reminding me of what I have been unable to accomplish most of my adult life LOL. I would expect nothing less than your beautiful and insightful honesty.

I love you Stephie. You’re one of the good guys! Actually, no, you are really a queen of divine feminine grace and beauty!  Sorry, LOL, mustn’t skimp on the props you deserve with respect.

More later of course, you can always check up on my squallor by visiting my blog called Evolution’s Ghost if you want. I’m going to put this up there right now for the record, to prove there were a couple of days in my life when I actually felt the pain of life lived and loved.

Love,
Robert

Saving a Love Letter to a Friend

A hunh ... Tingly nice! <vbs>

You are such a peach! Yeah, if I wasn’t such a loser ...

Listening to Snatam Kaur right now and trying to catch up on what... Probably at least several months of being down. But I do recall how back in the day, you were a blazing light.

All I can do is study and search for answers, still ... Nothing holds any interest for me as long as my issues romantically are not resolved. That’s going all the way back to when I was 18 and got dumped by my first true love. My entire life has been about recovering from that.

Fuck, there are so many lost people in the world. Just unconscious, with their fingers on the trigger or button, inadvertantly blowing things away that often have real potential for ascending spirit. And then, there are a few whose intelligence has shielded them from the hell of perpdom, whose fragrance is sublime and whose being drips kindness just like the best of any ripe peach you’ve ever or never had.

You love these people, you would give them the world, I’ve tried. One day maybe when I’m over myself LOL, love will reign again?  But whatever happens, there’s a spot reserved on my list of wonders and miracles experienced in this lifetime, for you (and your photographic charms <vbs>). You will always be remembered Suzie, in my heart, I celebrate you even now.

Xox,rj

Big White Bird and a Black Raven

Yesterday, upon arriving home from the golf course where I work, a black raven seemed to be conversing at me, hopping along the tops of of the buildings along the path I walk from my car to my residence. At the time, I thought it had to do with the parcel I was carrying and the black birds hunger. When I got inside I unpacked my fruity feast and didn't register that this time I had packed black napkins instead of the usual white. I remember noting the color in the bar and thinking that someone dropped the ball placing them out. Today, saw a very ominous turn of events with the complete disappearance of Big Bird. I call him that because he's probably the largest white goose in the flock which hangs around the ponds at the golf course. He is also the loudest, most obnoxious, and in a very strange way most consciously intelligent goose I've ever met. On many days in the last couple of months, he's literally hounded me throughout my day acting in ways fully contradictive to good common goose sense, persisting in his squawking and butting his beak where it could so easily be damaged if I wasn't paying close attention to his welfare. Big Bird has a posse of several more geese and a couple of ducks which accompany him as a group making this group a two set group, Big Bird and the posse. They don't travel together but they are never far away from each other.

Big Bird has a sponsor at the golf course, one of the old geezers, and quite the king of obnoxiousness himself. I think Ray actually feels a rare affinity for the Big Bird's raucous behavior because it so closely characterizes his own nonending squawking quips which are pretensious and boisterous attempts at making put downs of the worst negative kind of sarcasm you might hopefully never encounter. Once you see through the surface layer of his personality however, the game is on to see how hard you can piss on his game while he seems all to content to simply keep a steady salvo for you (me) to deal with.

Given my understanding of Ray and the harmonies involved it doesn't surprise me that Big Bird desired more intimate contact with me. Who knows how to speak Geese or goose or geek even? With the volume of utterings coming from the Big Bird though you'd think he was organizing a plan to take over the whole fowl kingdom right here in Chula Vista's Municipal Golf Course.

While I was at work today, another one of Big Bird's biggest allies, an Ambassador named Jimmie, stopped me and informed me Big Bird was MIA. As we ruminated over the possibilities the day took on a rather forlorn hue as well. On the way home, I continued to think about Big Bird. Then, as I stopped my car at my residence near the water in Imperial Beach, I remembered the signs from the day before. Could it be?

The symbology caught my breath at that moment, and hours later, continues to try well enough to keep me hovering in a zone of pre-sadness. Thankfully, I have a couple of co-workers who have cultivated something of an unbending optimism in situations like this who I managed to draw into the conversation before I left. Their consensus is that he will pop up very soon FOR SURE! For now I am doing my best simply to remember their POV and be patient at least for today, and take tomorrow when she comes.

Love Flipped a Flop

Once again a woman draws me out and flirts enough to earn some trust and then becomes overwhelmed by my wildness and gets weirder and weirder before simply dropping out.

I feel like such an idiot. More like a sinking ship's captain discovering it was another female jumping ship after making a few choice holes beyond repair. And, while this time I feel I was spared to some degree, the girl represented something important regarding what my entire life has been about, a research for, ongoingly and spiritually. She had traveled there where I wanted to go, and I felt I knew her so well.

Helping her write her story was such a key step as well. And then, we got off on her 'gate to heaven,' a guy named Dwarka with whom she says Christ consciousness became present in a moment of orgasmic bliss. Fantastic eh? How beautiful is she I thought to myself and still do? But her issues with Dwarka really seem to implode on her somehow although she is not talking. I have traced the breakdown and today's final notice to his arrival in our conversation. It was hard NOT to miss. After that point her attitude was more and more resistant and argumentative, increasing intensity and its insanity almost daily.

And in the recent days it got so severe that anything I said became too much for her to bare. As a result of not being able to influence me intellectually or emotionally, she appears to have simply withdrawn from her commitments with me. At any rate, she's got that right, and I honored it with as much simplicity as she offered it. She never reached very far after all, in her efforts to touch my heart. This probably more than anything I regret not having been more successful with, especially with her. And now, with her withdrawl, staring me in the face here via email it feels like the longest minor earthquake, shaking my body from the soles of my feet up. Nothing moving but my nauseated sense of it all.

What do you say to a mature woman who simply flipped on you making you some kind of persona non gratus? It's such a shame not to have been able  to really trust her and not be simply abandoned like this. For awhile though it was tremendous fun.

This pretty much ends it for me. I expect she'll never contact me again. And have no idea what I would say if she did. Right now I have time to kill, the Suns at 7pm vs San Antonio, reading over the weekend. Letting go is easily one of the hardest things for us to do.

White Flag, by Dido, is playing and made a perfectly timed entrance for a new expression of synchronicity, at least in their support emotionally. This last incident of having a woman informally boot me or dump me to the curb over my entangling her with my words ... I mean how interesting is that? My sense was that the difficulty between her and I was always about what my words meant and perhaps her never honestly synching up to them and the meaning I was bringing forth.

There is and was no mistaking how my words were philosophical and contempative. My intellectualizations have never been accepted entirely by anybody. It had been ~15 years since my last romantic engagement with Paula, and I think I need to 'dig deeper' to create the credibility needed to write this complicated jaunt of mine. I was really leaning heavingly on this writing project of hers today, looking forward to coming home and cracking it open, but instead found her drop kick of my being to the curb, the other choice made and the feeling is quintessentially fucked.

When people make this move where they pick up their marbles and leave... Can anything be worse? Even with Paula, who was literally trying to kill me at certain times when she 'broke,' putting her on a bus back to Kansas signified and end to any more heroic efforts to fix her or us. I know that that a level of heroism crept into the way I related to her and it wouldn't surpise me if at some point she didn't herself coming to the same realization this and simply resisting it because that is the femininist appropriate response of independence and disinterest in men's will to provide and protect, UNLESS OF COURSE it follows her plan or idea of what she needs and wants.

We battled at that level for a awhile i guess, and this failure is met with some degree of relief. This blog on it is just my way of decompressing I guess and looking more deeply at the elements of mine, at least, which were culpable so I can continue to get through this mine field that has grown up between myself and the coast and a darling goddess I know.

Alrighty then, said the incredibly funny and off the charts funny man, and speaking between us he says, 'Will you ever get things right and make sacred spiritual love with a goddess like Renee?  I only refer to Renee because being my first lover, she was also by far a more beautiful and powerful Tantric lover than anyone I've ever met seemed to be perhaps.

And, the work on injaculating continues, though now I have no one close to me personally to ask anymore. This capacity of hers to turn me out the way she did, wow, I will have to say that it is precisely the worst quality and nothing but the ugliest kind of behavior given love's ultimate promise and our deepest need. Wow, I see the sadness now, just bridging the horizon of my interior here. Guess I'll step in and drink of this ... Namaste, rj

I couldn't help myself from thinking of her one last time tonight and her attraction to OSHO led me to scan some of his quotes, which I then found one matching her mention of its title and thought I brought the title with me. If I know where I could call myself to ask but regardless I wanted to share the small poem I found of Osho's while kickin it naturally...

Know what you are at present
 and then know its credibility or its lack of credibility.
It is what knows that
 that is, in you, most credible.
   - Barry Long, Tantric Master


~Love Flipped a Flop
I've been judged by her love, no longer smiling.
Could there be any thing worse in life than this?
Nothing I have ever done has thwarted the hissy.
Even rational transformation and all the benefits
do not make up the difference, at Point Heinous.
Can't really blame myself too much even now
Nothing comes close to the flipping she flopped,
and how it turned my entire world upsidedown.
Just like that, a 10.0 quake of heart and soul.
Shock trembles for hours. Calling all my 911s.

   - 5/6/2010, rjd

Boston Insight

I’m quite shocked by my sister’s invitation to help me move near her in Boston. She’s not kidding, and it concerns me a little, whether this invitation is really out of consideration for me or whether it serves some hidden personal need. I have always been and felt like her hero protector, defending her to her and the world whenever circumstances or will of opposition appeared to conspire against her. From all accounts, nothing has really changed in her life, or she’s not speaking up about it. This latest invitation does “up the ante” a little bit, yet how huge is a move like that? If it’s just a good idea on her end, I could wind up so far away from any comfort zone and with my various medical issues that’s more than just a small bit of concern. I’ve been living at my current residence with roommates John and Matt, now for almost 5 years. We have a strong and reliable unity which allows for complete independence as well. It’s easily one of the best living situations I’ve ever established in life, and abandoning this would seems foolish unless I was unable to maintain it for some reason. But Boston! Think of opportunity for new adventure, exploring the roots of America, culturally, historically, politically, etc.  In some ways, life here has stalled for me for quite some time, particularly professionally and romantically. Reviving myself in a new market like Boston would be like being reborn in a higher plane of existence.

I realize this is all imagination and the truth could simply be that I drag whatever conditions source what is manifesting in my life along with me to Boston, not doing them (Bostonians) any favors as well, right? If you’re following this line of reason there is a really subtle and powerful insight to be made regarding conscious transformation this illustrates well having to do with HOW to create the proper attitude in order to “usher in” transformation in terms of making a necessary change within instead of trying to do it from the outside in (which is how our linear minds conceive the process of purposeful change... Have, Do, Be vs Be, Do, Have). The logic of reason which blames circumstances for our satisfaction in life is overwhelmingly tempting because its precisely how we recall events and how they relate to one another. What is unseen, invisible, and revealed by quantum mechanics theoretically is that context both transcends and determines manifestation and how manifestation unfolds by virtue of being the “space” in which manifestation is expressed.

This wisdom is nothing new of course and goes all the way back to the Buddhist view of life as being essentially empty and meaningless in truth. Nothing exists except that we say that it does of course, and the reality of this is that speech as a fact is not the point but rather it’s expression of subjectivity, expressly human, and its calling influence in real terms of manifesting vibrational attraction and influence via the quantum realities which transcend time and space - makes it relevant for how it structures subjectivity in reality. So, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but more than that is the divinity of infinite diversity and embodied spirit in unique and original instances of existence and being. This is the ultimate expression of beauty of course, where the source and unity of spirit (the source of all that eternally exists) intersects and is expressed in the essence of human  individuality. The magic of humanity is how it sits at the zenith or pinnacle of this possibility, having the greatest and most powerfully expansive capacity and manifestation of this intersection. Humanity actually represents an evolution to this cosmological beauty by introducing conscious will, or the capacity for individuality to DIRECT, SOURCE, and otherwise make this intersection’s expression intrinsic to their being and
 an EVOLVING RELEVANCE also known as TEACHING, but factually a conscious transmission of evolution leap frogging material processes via spiritual dimensions which are non-physical and transcendent.

Excuse me for going off on a rant like that but whenever I happen upon an opportunity to view from such a high vista in moments when the sky is clear the ecstatic nature of that view never seems to fail in tempting me <vbs>.

There is teaching and then there is TEACHING which is spiritual evolution and only heard by those making a conscious effort to hear. The words have a transcendental ‘flow’ to them which to some degree always challenges and defeats the dualistic linearity of the rational mind, introducing a kind of internal and hidden message at precisely that place as well only the conscious effort to be present, allowing the soul direct contact in the moment, can understand and benefit from. This benefit is the TEACHING which has the single aim of promoting the individual’s conscious spiritual evolution and even more their value of their individual capacity to evolve themselves from within.

OK...so what is the relevance of all this to Boston you ask? Seeing Boston in terms of representing an opportunity to revive my life in certain dimensions is only valid insofar as I consciously contribute a new choice of purpose which is an open contribution when I get there. If going there to GET something is the active context in my experience, I will get what I already have, and my very presence will turn Boston into another Imperial Beach which I assure you has many positives, but certain absences which I have noted LOL. That’s called the baggage, which you hear referred to time and time again in pop psychology. Anyway, whew, that was an exciting little write just now, which I hope wasn’t too long and didn’t get too far out of hand. I know your heart well enough to know that you are one of the few that is listening and evolving or I wouldn’t have been so crass to waste your time with my mutterings. But, given who you are, I just know that being on that path and hearing the spirit teach through another is always a divinely rare moment in time, too few for me to be sure.

The move to Boston needs a little more convergence of support at this point for it to happen I think. That’s an important point I recall I wanted to make having to do with the exception to the case regarding baggage. Karma and the roll of that wheel takes place on a scale of time spanning lifetimes, such that when people talk about having lived multiple lifetimes in this incarnation what they’re talking about distinct from transformation is the roll of karma. It may simply be a transitional period of karma emerging and without doing any inner work my karmic evolution is rolling into a new period so that arriving in Boston may also be a natural and UNCONSCIOUS change in my natural being as a contribution. Anything is possible in this sense, paupers have become kings, throughout time immemorial – all having nothing to do with conscious evolution and transformation.

I should add that larger karmic issues do not judge virtue in their mechanisms of balance, that principle determining a denser play of reality. Just as many kings have lost their heads without any reason or cause on their part simply to satisfy this ongoing energetic correction in the universal unfolding manifestation of mind and matter, as well.

At any rate, my promise of HOW might have been a slight exaggeration regarding the insight. I probably should have said WHAT to be more accurate regarding the insight and its relevance to making conscious change in one’s life.

I’ll keep writing, and at some point with your permission will organize and read through the ‘chapters’ I have received by you. Then, if you still want I will send my notes on ways you might consider improving what you have of course, if they impress you of being positive changes, for sure.

... Ushered In

Your squatting ephemera gave a pause to my dullard day
to think, on your mash of natural expressions with animus
in linguistic ploy of host, whistling afterall, the forgotten.
But, there sitting for bliss' balliwick now, the joyous clarity
found to the delight by and in a made void ... ushered in.

5/1/2010, rjd